It's almost baseball season, which is awesome

That said, I know not everyone digs the baseballing, so I'll confine baseball-related postings (of which I imagine there will be many) to this location: http://juanpierresmustache.blogspot.com/.  In the meantime, even non-baseball fans can appreciate how insane this catch is:

Send my money...to Pittsburgh!?

ELITE acting skills.

ESPN running out of stories for the Super Bowl, now inventing debates between President Obama and 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh

Full credit to ESPN for choosing extremely captionable photos.

I would say that they could have chosen a better photo of Jim Harbaugh, but the available images don't really offer a lot of options that make him look better.  I sometimes worry about 49ers players and if they're getting the love and support they need, because it would appear that Jim doesn't really know emotions other than angry (not to be confused with noted walrus Andy Reid, who only knows hungry).  Here's a collection of some of Jim's professional work, a portfolio, if you will, for no particular reason.

Joe Flacco's father has no misconceptions about his son's charisma

Joe responded, "Alright, Dad, but my new stache is cool.  As cool as people say it is, it's that cool.  It is cool."

It's almost time for the Super Bowl! Do you know how to watch a football?

Do you meet the following criteria?

• Live in the United States
• Work in a place where other people work also
• Have $50
• Don't know how football works

If so, there is now an allegedly useful class you can take to rectify the last two items!

The course is taught by a Diane Darling, so I decided to research (read: google) what else she does when she's not teaching people how to watch football.  Unfortunately, obstacles!

Fucking robots!

Going to the site itself yielded similar results:

Reading this aloud with the ellipses causes you to sound like Christopher Walken.

This exhausted my patience for research, so I gave up at this time.  Returning to our original topic (how to watch football games), here's what Diane has to say about her class.

DISCLOSURE - This event was filmed in front of a live audience at the British Consulate in Boston, MA on January 8, 2013 at the chapter meeting of the Greater Boston ASTD .

With Super Bowl  is around the corner, I decided to upload the class so you can enjoy right away rather than spend hours perfecting the video.

Diane, while we're on the topic of oddly specific how-to classes, would you be interested in my course on "How to use grammatically correct sentences in articles describing courses on how to watch American football games"?  [editor's note: that sentence might be grammatically incorrect.  If so, it's supposed to be ironic or something.]

Welcome to Water Cooler Football - where football and networking meet to have fun!
"To have fun" is a bizarre addendum to that particular sentence, because subjects, objects and verbs are things that matter.

You’re at a party with a football game on, people cheer and you have no idea what happened – do you feel left out? 

Here's a free tip from me--if people are cheering, you can do one of two things to fit in.  Either just cheer whenever they do, or remain silent and if anyone asks just say you're a Cleveland fan.  They'll nod their head in a knowing and sympathetic manner and be none the wiser as to your football ignorance.

At a meeting someone says, “let’s do an end run” – do you feel lost?  

Not as lost as mayor Rob Ford of Toronto feels when he tries to actually do an end run!

This is a pretty good approximation of how  pretty much everything Rob Ford does in public goes.

When you hear “football” do you think people mean soccer?

That is an extremely odd question.  If the answer to the question is yes, the question will make no sense.  If the answer is no, it's such a mind-numbingly silly question that it still makes no sense.  It's like a zen koan, if the word koan means what I currently believe it means, which I'd say is about a 50/50 proposition.

If you don't know how to watch a football, you maybe left out.

This is pretty much my favorite sentence of ever.  Am I doing it right?

Fuck!  So close.

This can have a negative impact on your career and perhaps social life.

Forgetting to watch a football has certainly had a negative impact on Jermichael Finley's career!  ZING

You'll also learn some best practices for networking. How to pick your events (aka "whether report")

Frankly, I have no idea what a "whether report" is, so I'm not even sure we're talking about football anymore.

how to get into a conversation, and .... how to get out of one.

That is the most ominous way possible to write that sentence.  It suggests that any beginner can get into a conversation about football, but only the experts will be able to extricate themselves later.  I can't tell you how many times I've seen a group of football novices start chatting, only to realize that they are stuck in the conversation forever.

Learn how to be a part of the game with tips and from Gene and Diane. (And wait until you hear how they met!)

Do I care how they met?  No.  No, I do not.

Regarding how Stevan Ridley, starting running back for the New England Patriots, stays warm

With rainbow boots and a onesie:

When it's totally acceptable for you to wear this to meet with the media, you've pretty much made it.

Oh god 1984 what have you done

This is what happens when people in the 1980s hear "Take Me Out to the Ball Game", decide it needs to be jazzed up, and then give serious interviews about their motivation for doing so.  

Do you need a gift for someone from Baltimore that you hate?

If so, you're in luck, since Sears is presently having a sale on their "Little Earth Baltimore Ravens Quilted Hobo Handbag".  I had to check and make sure that "hobo handbag" was a real thing and not something that some jilted intern decided to put on Sears' website as a terribly misguided prank, which led to me discovering that it is a real thing, apparently.  In fact, it is a real thing about 3,470,000 times over, according to a google search.

I did not expect Nine West and Eddie Bauer to be retailing any items named for hobos.  Who thought this was a good idea?

 In any case, here's the Ravens' Quilted Hobo Handbag in all its glory:

Anyone else reminded of the inside of their middle school lunchbox?  If this thing keeps beer cold it might actually be useful.

At just $28.49 (Savings applied in cart), that's a steal, for at least one party in the buyer-seller relationship.  If you weren't sold immediately on seeing the bag, the description has a wealth of information, which will certainly be interesting for a given value of interesting.

Littlearth's Quilted Collection is the perfect bag for the astute sports fan. 

If you are not a sports fan who is able to accurately assess situations or people and use that to your advantage, this isn't the perfect bag for you.

This Quilted Hobo measures 10 inches long x 5 inches wide x 8.5 inches high and has an 8.5 inch drop length faux leather handle. 

You forgot to say handbag.  Handbag is an important word in that sentence.

Features rich satin-like quilting sure to catch the eye of passersby. 

I can't disagree with that.  Passersby will be sure to notice the violently shiny purple bag, even at great distances.

Displays embroidered applique of favorite team logo in bottom front right of bag. 

Clearly, there was no time to put the individual team name into the product description.  Also, the logo looks dead center to me.

Zipper closure at top of bag keeps belongings secure. 

I rewrote this sentence to improve clarity:  "Bag has a zipper."

Interior has a zippered side pocket to keep small belongings accessible. 

Oh, sorry.  "Bag has two zippers."

This beautifully quilted Hobo is a must see and is sure to be the essential accessory for the incisive fan. 

You forgot to say handbag again.  Also, you are claiming that this bag is the essential accessory for the intelligently analytical and clear-thinking fan.  What the fuck, Sears? 

The Detroit Lions are adept at embarrassing themselves publicly

The Detroit Lions have been mocked for numerous reasons over the past year, for a wide variety of very legitimate reasons, of which shockingly few are related to their on-field performance.  Last year, major issues included a head coach who turned a handshake into a sandbox fight, and then made a face like an angry baby when he was forcibly separated from his opposite number. 

I have never seen a better visual representation of the concept of "poopy face".

This year, the team has been far worse on the field, but they haven't lacked for off-field failures: to wit, there is this 2013 calendar, which is basically the product a person would make if they strenuously disliked the Detroit Lions and wanted to make them feel bad.  Unfortunately, it is an official Lions product, and can be purchased in their store.  Some of the problems were unpredictable; guys get hurt, and by the time 2013 rolls around, the calendar design is outdated.  Others are just bad.  The gaffes start with the cover:

Pictured: Titus Young, wide receiver and all-around mischief-maker.

That's Titus Young, a key young player in the Lions system.  At least, that's what the Lions were hoping would happen.  What actually happened is Titus Young routinely runs the wrong routes in games, has been injured approximately 74 times in the past week, and hasn't done much to endear himself to his team or coaches.  Still, he's young and trying hard, right?  No, that'd be wrong.  See, his most recent act on the field was to repeatedly line up in the wrong place before plays because he disagreed with the coach's decisions, which led to him being taken off the active roster and placed on injured reserve with a phantom injury.  He most likely will not play another snap for the Lions.  Now, they didn't know all this would happen, so maybe it's unfair to laugh (though that won't stop me).  However, the rest of the calendar is less forgivable:

I need to get something with a touchscreen to write on.

For those not inclined to read what I can imagine appears to be the scribblings of a madman, here's what's wrong with that picture:

• Aaron Berry, on the January page, was cut in preseason following multiple arrests.
• Jahvid Best, from February, has not played a game since October 2011.
• Nate Burleson, from March, took over Titus Young's job early in the year, then got hurt, which led to Young getting another chance, allowing Young to commit the aforementioned sin of ignoring his coach's playcalling.

So, that's a mix of predictable and unpredictable circumstances, leading to a depressingly outdated calendar for the few fans Detroit has left entering 2013. There's a couple problems that can't be explained away by injury and team struggles, though:

• The calendar features a "Super Bowl History" section, which: Super Bowl history is not a thing the Lions have, since they've never reached the Super Bowl.
• The calendar features a helpful Lions and NFL schedule--from 2012, which the astute reader will note is not the same as the year the calendar is intended for.  

The best thing I can say about this calendar is that it is an accurate reflection of the state of the Detroit Lions. 

When this man is your leader, there may be rough times ahead.

The Arizona Cardinals have started producing Onion-ready headlines

The photograph here is totally unrealistic--thanks to one Mr. Lindley, Larry Fitzgerald hasn't been within ten feet of a football in weeks.

Today in Dutch soccer news, we learn about wildpoepers

From De Telegraaf:

Emmen - 
FC Emmen en aanvaller Jeffrey de Visscher maakten donderdag bekend in goed overleg uit elkaar te gaan. Maar er is meer aan de hand. De Visscher blijkt de dronken wildpoeper te zijn die twee weken geleden in Emmen zijn rijbewijs moest inleveren en op de bon werd geslingerd.

To the translators!

Emmen -
FC Emmen and striker Jeffrey de Visscher were announced Thursday in consultation part ways. But there is more to it. De Visscher shows the drunken wildpoeper to two weeks ago in Emmen his license had to hand and on the receipt was thrown.

There's a lot of noise there, and I don't really understand the syntax, but I did notice two items regarding the word "wildpoeper": one, it wasn't translatable, and two, that word is fantastic and I will be using it if I can ever figure out what it means.  Luckily, someone over at "Who Ate All The Pies" (motto: The Tasty Football Magazine) has already looked into this.  

Dutch second division side FC Emmen have terminated the contract of a player after he was arrested for being a ‘wildpoeper’ in the Hollandish vernacular – which is, we’re afraid to say, exactly what it sounds like.

Oh man oh man oh man I was so hoping it would be what it sounds like do go on tell me go go go

Police apparently found Emmen striker Jeffrey de Visscher (who was briefly on Aberdeen’s books a few years ago) alone, heavily inebriated and squatting at the side of his car at the side of a road through a forest in the middle of the night.

Unfortunately, this is only the second most embarrassing arrest of a professional athlete this week, thanks to Riley Sheahan, who was pulled over in Grand Rapids with a BAC of nearly .30, which legally qualifies him as "super-drunk" in Michigan (seriously, they have a law called the "Super Drunk Law").  Also, he is 20 years old, and was carrying the license of a 23-year-old teammate.  Also, he was wearing a Teletubby costume at the time (specifically, Tinky Winky):

Does anyone else wish he had kept the head part of the costume on?

Entertaining as Mr. Sheahan's arrest is, let's try and remember why we're here: to discuss "wildpoepers".  Back to our friends at Who Ate All The Pies:

At the time De Visscher, 31, claimed a friend was driving his car and had walked off after pulling over to give him some privacy while he ‘wildpooped’ – though De Visscher was unsure who the man was or where he had gone.

"Yes, officer.  My friend was driving, but I told him I needed to go shit in the woods, so he pulled over and then deserted the vehicle.  Also, he isn't my friend and I don't know who he is."

De Visscher, demonstrating his wildpoeper face.

Mark Sanchez finally speaks out about butt fumble, gives most depressing interview ever

Mark Sanchez has finally agreed to speak about his hilarious fumble of last week; if you somehow missed it the first 147 times it was on SportsCenter, here it is again:

I say this a lot, but this gif will never get old. 

 Anyway, let's see what Handsome Mark has to say about his blunder:

It's embarrassing, you screw up the play and I'm trying to do the right thing. It's not like I'm trying to force something. I start to slide and I slide in the worst spot I possibly could -- right into (right guard) Brandon Moore.

It definitely is embarrassing.  I do agree with Mark that it's necessary to reassure everyone that he was trying to do the right thing, because from the outside it looks like he was trying to run into a lineman's ass.

I guess (I was) more stunned than anything. It was just like a car accident. I was like, 'Whoa, what just happened? The ball is gone.' It was weird, man. That sucked.

It was just like a car crash, if car crashes were hilarious and happened to the quarterbacks of terrible sports teams.  I like how Sanchize appends "that sucked" to his response, because it's what the QB of a middle school flag football team might say about a bad play.

It'll probably be on a blooper reel for a while.

Yeah, that one's gonna stick around.

It easily made SportsCenter's not top 10:

And a helpful Youtuber has even set it to Benny Hill:

So, yeah, not only will this one not go away--it might even end up being the defining moment of his career.  Of course, I couldn't be happier about that.  Sanchez's interviewer throws in this line, regarding Marky Mark:

This has been the most challenging season of his career, and it hit the lowpoint with last week's embarrassing loss, which dropped the Jets to 4-7.

Whoa there, let's not assume this is the low point!  If I've learned anything about Mark, it's that he can always get worse.  This, however, is great writing:

Turns out Sanchez was indirectly responsible for the retirement of longtime Jets super-fan Ed Anzalone, who announced he no longer will attend games as Fireman Ed because he was constantly harassed by other fans for wearing a Sanchez jersey to games this season.

Mark Sanchez is so bad that he's forcing fans who want to wear his jersey to stay at home, for fear of being harassed by other fans.  (Side note: giving publicity to super-fans is really the worst, and I wish everyone would stop.  Fireman Ed is a jackass.)

Not sure what I like more: the guy on the right wearing the wrong sport's hat, or the rest of the crowd that clearly does not give a shit about the game at all.

Sanchez, does it disappoint you that your most die-hard fans will stop attending games?

"Obviously, if his safety is in jeopardy, maybe it's a good move," said Sanchez, adding that he appreciated Fireman Ed's support.

God, that's sad.  "Jets fans, go home, it's not safe at our games."

"I don't know how to explain it," Sanchez said. "It was a wild one. & Hopefully, we'll laugh about it later."

Sanchez then retreated to his bedroom and slammed the door before bursting into tears.

Today in great headlines, featuring Mark Sanchez

His mom must be so proud.

UPDATE: For clarification, this is the play being discussed:

I've watched this probably 75 times at this point, and it's not getting old

How to greatest in sports that are not ultimate frisbee

In ultimate, the act of jumping from inbounds, catching the disc, and throwing it back into the field of play to a teammate before landing out of bounds is called a "greatest".  This happens occasionally in basketball, but I found out today that it can happen in football under extremely random circumstances:

I can only assume this is what the Cardinals have been practicing when they were supposed to be learning the offense.

That's fucking insane in the best possible way.  Fortunately for those of us that are entertained by insanely bad football, there's always Tony Romo, perfecting his spiral:

Does that count as intentional grounding?  It probably is by the letter of the law, but it's pretty obviously not intentional.

I don't fool with horses

Eric Berry, safety for the Kansas City Chiefs, is terrified of horses (seriously, he's actually been diagnosed with equinophobia, which I feel a little bad about).  You would think that wouldn't come up much on a football field, but you would be wrong. 

You'd think his own team might stop rolling out horses all the goddamn time

Asked to explain this, Berry responded, "You just don't know what a horse is thinking. Can you look at a horse and tell what a horse is thinking?"  Well, Eric, it's true that we can't, but look--horses aren't so different from you and me.  Take a look at these gifs; you can barely tell the horse and your quarterback apart.

Horse.

Matt Cassel.

Eli Manning, summarized

The best part is the moment where he looks like he's about to scramble free and save the play and then does none of those things