Well, it's not called a ride-thru

Source: The Telegraph

Guess which state accidentally banned all computers and smartphones

Source: HuffPo

That seems like a very legitimate worry, yes

Source: Azfamily.com

Should we allow civilians to drive cop cars? Sure, what could go wrong?

Source: wheels.ca

Good: There are fewer fire ants in the US now! Bad: Replaced by "Crazy Ants"

Source: University of Texas

Fucking IRS, how do they work

Trying to figure out what purchases can be legally deducted for your business?  Confused as to how the IRS defines the terms "computer" and "peripheral equipment"?  Here, check the tax code:

Well then.  Thanks, OBAMA

New item for your list of things to watch out for when visiting Russia: sometimes parking lots explode and shower asphalt on you

As always, nearby Russians react by calmly noting "oh, there is a thing happening there" and not changing their behavior in any way to account for the fact that the ground is exploding.

Once again, thanks to Nick for the link

fish fish fish fish SHARK

Reason #97 why gun control is a bad idea: we might be forced to protect our sunflowers with catapults, like Burmese farmers

Source: The Irrawaddy

Today in misleading headlines: snakes now committing arson

See:

Anyway, as you might have already guessed, the snake did not just decide "oh hey let me set this house on fire because fuck you I'm a snake".  In fact, the article begins with a statement from the authorities which calls the snake's guilt into question:

BOWIE COUNTY, TX (KSLA) -
Authorities believe a homeowner's response to finding a snake in her yard may have led to the fire that destroyed her house Wednesday.

Ah, so she saw a snake in her yard, which presumably had on its person (on its snake?) gas cans, matches, and other arson equipment, yes?

"While cleaning up, she saw snake,

1: See snake.  Snake is just a snake and is at present not particularly dangerous.

threw gasoline on the snake,

2: Oh god damn it what are you doing no no no

lit the snake on fire," said Deputy Randall Baggett with the Bowie County Sheriff's Office.

3: Of fucking course this is going to go badly for you.  "Oh no, a snake!  Let me set it on fire, so that it becomes a fire-snake, or basically a goddamn dragon.  That'll be way less dangerous."

4: Profit?

"The snake went into the brush pile and the brush pile caught the home on fire."

Despite the efforts of several fire departments that responded to the scene, the flames completely engulfed the home. It is a complete loss. A neighboring home was also damaged on one side.

Please, do not set snakes on fire.

New Pope reminds church leaders to be selfish, apathetic assholes

Ukrainian military dolphins have left their posts for sex reasons

Per RiaNovosti:

SEVASTOPOL, March 12 (RIA Novosti) - Three of the Ukrainian navy's “killer” dolphins that swam away from their handlers during training exercises probably left to look for mates, an expert said on Tuesday.

Great, there's nothing that can go wrong when sex-crazed dolphins with military training are on the loose.  On the plus side, maybe they don't exist:

Ukraine’s Defense Ministry denied the reports, while refusing to confirm the navy makes use of dolphins, despite the frequent appearance in Ukrainian media of photographs of dolphins with military equipment strapped to them.

I don't mean to say that those photos are definitive proof, but...

Photo credit: Gizmodo

they're kind of definitive proof.  Any final words that might further terrify people who are envisioning a wild team of horny warrior-dolphins cruising around the Black Sea?

A military source in Sevastopol told RIA Novosti last year that the Ukrainian navy had restarted training dolphins to attack enemy combat swimmers and detect mines. The killer-dolphins would be trained to attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads, the source said.

Great, thanks.

Photo credit: Heavy

Winter storms are a pain but at least there are not spiders falling on you right now

At least, I assume there are no spiders falling on you right now.  If there are, it is either a terrible stroke of bad luck or you live in Santo Antonio de Platina, where it is apparently raining spiders.  Sleep well tonight!

Um, no.

Steven Seagal to train posse in how to respond to school shootings, because that is a decision that makes total sense

Sheriff Joe Arpaio has been out of the headlines for a few months now, which is probably a good thing since when he does show up it's usually for embarrassing things like investigating Obama's birth certificate or failing to maintain decent living conditions in prison.  Or abusing his power to launch illegal investigations of political rivals. Or somehow managing to violate election laws while not actively running for office.  Or creating a fake assassination plot against himself which caused an innocent man to be locked up for years.  You get the point.  That last one is totally real, by the way, and after reading it I'm amazed that Arpaio is not in prison, let alone working in law enforcement as the Sheriff of Maricopa county.  Anyway, he's back in the news, and here's why:

MARICOPA -- Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is planning a training exercise aimed at helping his volunteer posse members respond to school shootings.

Arpaio's exercise Saturday at a closed school site in suburban Fountain Hills will simulate scenarios for posse members who volunteered for patrols that the sheriff launched last month just outside schools to guard against shootings.

So, to clarify, here's the timeline:

1. People express concern about school safety.
2. Arpaio deploys an armed "posse" to hang around outside schools.
3. Arpaio trains the posse.
4. No, I did not switch steps two and three.

Anyway, that's not even the important part.  Guess which law enforcement expert Arpaio got to run this training exercise:

Action-film star and posse member Steven Seagal will serve as an instructor at the event.

I was curious if Arpaio and Seagal had any history of working together, because otherwise it'd be a pretty odd choice (or, rather, a more odd choice).  As it turns out, they have, and it's weird:

You guys did what?

So, what happened there, guys?

PHOENIX — Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and actor Steven Seagal deny accusations by a Phoenix man and his lawyer that a family dog was killed during a raid for Seagal's reality TV show.

Sounds really illegal! 

The sheriff's office said in a news release the allegation is without merit. Seagal added he's outraged.

The action movie actor was participating in the raid as a special deputy sheriff for his show "Steven Seagal Lawman" on the A&E cable channel. His movie credits include "Under Siege," "Above the Law" and "Fire Down Below."

If you're denying illegal behavior relating to a police raid performed in the course of a reality show, you probably would rather not have a movie called "Above the Law" listed among your credits.

According to witnesses at the raid, a dog was present on Jesus Llovera's property when deputies and SWAT team members, including Seagal, entered the premises with a search warrant to arrest Llovera on cockfighting charges and seize all evidence pertaining to the crime.

Arpaio said there's no evidence to back up the claim that his officers killed a dog.

"If my deputies, or posse man Seagal for that matter, had done something so awful like shooting a family dog, then where are the photos to prove it?" Arpaio asked.

Pretty convenient that you guys were the only people who could have photographed that, huh?  Anyway, how did this all go down?  Seems like there shouldn't be much collateral damage in your typical execution of a search warrant.

In Llovera's claim, the sheriff's office and Seagal are accused of setting off explosives to create a distraction and confusion. 

At this point, this can't possibly get more outrageous, right?

The claim says Seagal was free to commandeer a tank and crash through an iron gate on the southeast corner of Llovera's property in southwest Phoenix.

So the plan was to set off explosions to create a distraction, bust in the front door, and have Seagal run over an iron gate with a tank, so that you could arrest one person.  If I had to guess whether this was a real life thing or the plot of a Seagal movie, I would have guessed movie, because as soon as I saw the words "tank" and "search warrant" in the same article I assumed that no one would really do this.

In an interview with KTAR Radio in Phoenix during the March raid, Seagal said he was there to help guard one side of Llovera's house.

"We're just sort of, you know, trying to guard one side of the house and see if anybody would run out or anything like that or, do anything worse than that," Seagal said. "We're kind of just doing that and I didn't really enter the house today."

"I was just securing the perimeter, you know, standard procedure.  With a tank.  Yes, that's normal."

Given the tremendous success of Arpaio and Seagal's previous collaborations, it makes total sense to have Seagal lead training exercises for Arpaio's new school posse.  The only real question at this point is which of Seagal and Arpaio is less qualified to be working in law enforcement.  On the one hand, Seagal unnecessarily used a tank in a police operation and doesn't appear to possess any real qualifications; on the other hand, Arpaio, as sheriff, permitted this to happen.  It's a conundrum!  A depressing one, if you live in Maricopa and aren't a fan of Steven Seagal knocking your gate down with a tank.

Here is a video released by the North Koreans where a North Korean soldier is sleeping in orbit and either watching or dreaming about a nuclear attack on the United States, which is shown using cutscenes from various American video games and animation, while an instrumental version of the 1985 charity single "We Are The World" by Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie plays in the background

Have they no fear of the inevitable RIAA retribution?  Music piracy is no joke.

So there's just the one problem, then?

Best quote: Donovan agrees with McVie's theory. "Probably what it [the high rates of penile implants in prison] shows more than anything is how incredibly boring prison is. You've got to do something that fills in the day." 

Source: The Atlantic

I know it's Wednesday morning and it's rainy and work sucks, but at least you're less broke than Zimbabwe

From StarAfrica.com

Meanwhile in Russia, you are apparently allowed to drive pretty much anything on the highway

I imagine that Russians find American gun control debates quite adorable.

Regarding Gary Busey and my newfound phobia of inner tubes

Ever wondered if it's possible to fuck an inner tube?  Gary Busey has the answer.  I've always felt that "flabbergasted" is a word that people should only be able to use once in their lives, because that would make it special and it seems like a word that shouldn't be used lightly.  I'm thoroughly flabbergasted by this whole video, and by Gary Busey, and I do not want to go tubing ever again.  Video involves some NSFW language, if that was not apparent already.

That's a point for Virginia, but Florida is still way ahead

In the competition for head-shakingly bizarre occurrences, that is.  Today, we visit Craigslist of Norfolk, VA after which I invite all of you to join me in reaching for the nearest stuffed animal and shuddering uncontrollably.

Is there some sort of award for having the most unique Craigslist request?  Because you win, forever.