Friday, December 7, 2012

The Detroit Lions are adept at embarrassing themselves publicly

The Detroit Lions have been mocked for numerous reasons over the past year, for a wide variety of very legitimate reasons, of which shockingly few are related to their on-field performance.  Last year, major issues included a head coach who turned a handshake into a sandbox fight, and then made a face like an angry baby when he was forcibly separated from his opposite number. 

I have never seen a better visual representation of the concept of "poopy face".
This year, the team has been far worse on the field, but they haven't lacked for off-field failures: to wit, there is this 2013 calendar, which is basically the product a person would make if they strenuously disliked the Detroit Lions and wanted to make them feel bad.  Unfortunately, it is an official Lions product, and can be purchased in their store.  Some of the problems were unpredictable; guys get hurt, and by the time 2013 rolls around, the calendar design is outdated.  Others are just bad.  The gaffes start with the cover:

Pictured: Titus Young, wide receiver and all-around mischief-maker.
That's Titus Young, a key young player in the Lions system.  At least, that's what the Lions were hoping would happen.  What actually happened is Titus Young routinely runs the wrong routes in games, has been injured approximately 74 times in the past week, and hasn't done much to endear himself to his team or coaches.  Still, he's young and trying hard, right?  No, that'd be wrong.  See, his most recent act on the field was to repeatedly line up in the wrong place before plays because he disagreed with the coach's decisions, which led to him being taken off the active roster and placed on injured reserve with a phantom injury.  He most likely will not play another snap for the Lions.  Now, they didn't know all this would happen, so maybe it's unfair to laugh (though that won't stop me).  However, the rest of the calendar is less forgivable:

I need to get something with a touchscreen to write on.
For those not inclined to read what I can imagine appears to be the scribblings of a madman, here's what's wrong with that picture:
  • Aaron Berry, on the January page, was cut in preseason following multiple arrests.
  • Jahvid Best, from February, has not played a game since October 2011.
  • Nate Burleson, from March, took over Titus Young's job early in the year, then got hurt, which led to Young getting another chance, allowing Young to commit the aforementioned sin of ignoring his coach's playcalling.
So, that's a mix of predictable and unpredictable circumstances, leading to a depressingly outdated calendar for the few fans Detroit has left entering 2013. There's a couple problems that can't be explained away by injury and team struggles, though:
  • The calendar features a "Super Bowl History" section, which: Super Bowl history is not a thing the Lions have, since they've never reached the Super Bowl.
  • The calendar features a helpful Lions and NFL schedule--from 2012, which the astute reader will note is not the same as the year the calendar is intended for.  
The best thing I can say about this calendar is that it is an accurate reflection of the state of the Detroit Lions. 

When this man is your leader, there may be rough times ahead.

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