Friday, March 22, 2013

Today in misleading headlines: snakes now committing arson


Anyway, as you might have already guessed, the snake did not just decide "oh hey let me set this house on fire because fuck you I'm a snake".  In fact, the article begins with a statement from the authorities which calls the snake's guilt into question:

Authorities believe a homeowner's response to finding a snake in her yard may have led to the fire that destroyed her house Wednesday.

Ah, so she saw a snake in her yard, which presumably had on its person (on its snake?) gas cans, matches, and other arson equipment, yes?

"While cleaning up, she saw snake,

1: See snake.  Snake is just a snake and is at present not particularly dangerous.

threw gasoline on the snake,

2: Oh god damn it what are you doing no no no

lit the snake on fire," said Deputy Randall Baggett with the Bowie County Sheriff's Office.

3: Of fucking course this is going to go badly for you.  "Oh no, a snake!  Let me set it on fire, so that it becomes a fire-snake, or basically a goddamn dragon.  That'll be way less dangerous."

4: Profit?

"The snake went into the brush pile and the brush pile caught the home on fire."

Despite the efforts of several fire departments that responded to the scene, the flames completely engulfed the home. It is a complete loss. A neighboring home was also damaged on one side.

Please, do not set snakes on fire.

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