Tuesday, March 19, 2013

In which an Australian who has never had a hangover tells you how to deal with hangovers

Shonagh Walker would like to share some of her hangover cures.  I'd love to tell you that they work, but that would be the height of mendacity, so I won't do that.  That said, if you're interested in solving your hangover with just 7 complicated steps and approximately $185 in cash, maybe these will work for you!  I found reason to pause very early on--the headline made sense, but the subheadline was...perplexing.

Sunscreen!  I never thought of that, because even really drunk me does not think sunscreen would ever possibly help with a hangover.  Points for creativity, if nothing else.

WE'VE all been there, and I defy anyone to say they haven't. Well, I've got some just-for-the-guys

Because hangovers are gender-dependent.

tips, to make it easier for you to front up and look fresh, all day long.

1. Water

1. The most obvious hangover cure ever that everyone already knows.  Thanks for that.

Drink the largest glass of water that you can find, the second you get out of bed. Make sure it’s at room temperature, or warmer, and add the juice of half a small lemon to it (that helps to remove the toxins you ingested last night).

I don't think that's how science or lemons work.

2. Eat a green breakfast
Slice up half an avocado and sprinkle it with lemon juice.

Always with the lemons!  How much citrus fruit do you use in a typical day, Shonagh?

Steam a few mushrooms and then blanche a handful baby spinach by pouring boiling water over it. 
Add a couple of certified free range, cage-free eggs – boiled or poached. If you want toast, ensure it’s wholemeal and go easy on the butter. Serve the lot with a side of organic baked beans, and you’ve got yourself a pretty healthy, and delicious, hangover breakfast.

Given that one of the key parts of a hungover breakfast be that you should be able to get the food down, this is not promising. It does sound healthy, sure, but it's really lacking in the all-important grease department.  

It will make you feel better, give you energy to last until lunch time and contribute to a healthy pH of your body.

I think that last bit about pH might be pseudo-scientific bullshit, though per Wikipedia, "Outside the acceptable range of pH, proteins are denatured and digested, enzymes lose their ability to function, and death may occur."  I kinda doubt that you would die from a pH imbalance created by drinking, but what do I know?  (Hint: nothing).

3. Take a warm-to-cold shower
Take a warm shower and do all you need to do in your daily shower … shave, exfoliate, whatever.

  • Stumble upstairs to shower
  • Turn it on blindly, hope it's some variation of "warm"
  • Get in without remembering to test the temperature
  • Scald face
  • Half step, half fall out of shower, causing injury to knee
  • Adjust knob to "warm"
  • Get back in, stand under showerhead with head down and eyes closed
  • Ponder how much everything sucks
5. Moisture plus Radiance
Combine your regular moisturiser

Sure, that's a thing I have.

with a boost of vitality. Pick a product with energising ingredients like, Biotherm High Recharge Energy Shot, $65, www.biotherm.com.au, which uses ginseng, vitamin B5, vitamin E, magnesium, copper and zinc, to bring life back into your skin.

Pick a product like this one, that I'm definitely not being paid to advertise!  Here, I'll just give you the price and the website, in case you want to, you know, buy some.  Just buy some!  Look at all these ingredients!  Ginseng!

6. Bright Eyes
Ok you’re on the home stretch and can almost safely head out the door. Just make sure your eyes get treated. You may wish to douse them with Visine, depending on the level of red veins apparent, but what you sure want to do is apply a soothing, de-puffing eye cream. I love Clinique Skin Supplies for Men Anti-Fatigue Cooling Eye Gel, $52, www.clinique.com.au. Its medical grade stainless steel roller ball offers a draining massage, which will move away all the fluid that’s causing your eyes to bloat up like that. At the same time, it deposits a liquid gel-serum, which cools the skin on contact, and absorbs quickly to address dark circles.

Whenever I'm hungover, my first thought is always "I could really use a metal ball to roll around on my face right now, especially if it puts me out $52."

7. Take the red out
Finally, before you step out the door, tone down the red in your skin with a high SPF sunscreen that has a slight tint, like Ultraceuticals Ultra Protective Daily Moisturiser SPF30+ Sheer Tint, $65, www.ultraceuticals.com. Don’t worry it’s not make-up. It simply adds a sheer tint to your skin that knocks out any redness and uneven tone, so you turn up to work looking fresh faced.

I was really hoping the sunscreen would be for an even more ridiculous purpose, such as applying before bed to supplement melatonin or some bullshit.  As far as I'm concerned, there are precisely three things you need when hungover, and not one of them costs more than a couple bucks.  They are:
  • Water
  • Coffee
  • Sleep more, you dumbass

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