The Obama Culture Arrives, in the form of various aging celebrities

L. Brent Bozell III writes for cnsnews.com, a well-known bastion of responsible journalism online.

Well, okay, maybe not "responsible".  "Journalism" might be a stretch, too.

Today, he has some thoughts about the "Obama Culture", and who the cultural winners of Obama's America are.  Off the top of my head, I'd assume it'd be individuals and groups who are invested in cultural issues like gay marriage, abortion rights, the whole Obamacare debate, that sort of thing, but I'm really excited to find out what Bozell thinks, because I bet it's way crazier than that!

The year 2012 was a depressing time for people who are already pessimistic about the state of our common culture. Conversely, the re-election of Barack Obama, in large measure made possible by the heavy financial support of Hollywood, projects the optimism of the cultural Left. They anticipate increased blue-state voting patterns in favor of gay "marriage," legalized pot, gun regulations, and what next? Legalized prostitution? Euthanasia subsidized by Obamacare?

"Subsidized by Obamacare" doesn't really make sense, but whatever.  I actually have to admire Bozell for possessing some shred of restraint; while legalized prostitution and euthanasia aren't likely to be actual issues anytime soon, they are real things that could potentially exist.  I was expecting something more outrageous: "What's next?  Prostitution subsidized by Obamacare?  Pot 'marriage'?"

 So let's just line up the cultural winners of Obama's America, where the only impediments to progress are those who believe in religion, manners and "family values."

 I like how he just threw "manners" in there.  Not only does Obama hate his own religion and families, but he's also just so rude, you know?  You know what else is rude: when you go on television and say that the President looks like a skinny crackhead.  Not like that would happen ever, just a thing I was thinking about randomly.

Winner: Seth MacFarlane, the creator of the sick "Family Guy" cartoon and other Fox animated smutcoms on Sunday nights. 

Amusing side note: this article was reposted on Fox News.

He'll mock anything to shock the viewer, from portraying Jesus as a lying drunk, to joking Ronald Reagan was gay, even to making fun of domestic violence. Tinseltown loves this man. He guest-hosted "Saturday Night Live" in their season debut, was named host of the 2013 Academy Awards telecast and ABC's Barbara Walters named him one of the year's 10 "Most Fascinating People."

Again, Bozell gets points for restraint, because on his scale of "shocking", domestic violence rates higher than joking about Reagan being gay.  I would have assumed that a CNS news writer would think a joke about Reagan was a borderline breach of the Ten Commandments at this point.  I feel like I'm being somewhat liberal with these restraint points, but I can't help but be amazed when an article like this drunkenly veers in the general direction of sanity, even for just a moment.

"Seth is the vision and the sensibility behind America's most popular and profitable cartoon series," Walters cooed. "Seth is a hands-on mastermind." She proclaimed, "The 'Family Guy' franchise is said to be worth nearly 2 billion dollars." She concluded by promoting his Oscar hosting gig: "In two months, hundreds of millions will be watching this writer, producer, actor, cartoonist, singer, multi-millionaire and all-around genius, and we'll all find out just how far Seth MacFarlane can go."

MacFarlane's filthy semi-animated movie, "Ted," grossed (literally grossed) 

Yuk yuk yuk!

$218 million at the box office. This was the movie described efficiently as "a boy's teddy bear comes to life and becomes a profane slacker who practically lives inside a bong and hires hookers in groups." The most unnecessary scene of the year was this teddy bear coming on to a sleazy fellow employee by not only doing pelvic thrusts, but also by spraying himself in the face with hand lotion — a porny orgasm shot on a child's toy. 

Don't worry, guys!  Bozell probably has a really good way to connect this back to his original point, which was...oh, it was that certain people in Obama's culture are "winners" and something something family values.  Well, then.

That's "sensibility," says the Obama culture.

I don't get it.  What are the quotes for?  Did someone say this?  Is there something I'm missing that in any way connects Obama and "Ted"?  There's nothing here that indicates that Seth McFarlane and Obama are in any way related, except that McFarlane made an inappropriate movie last year and OH MY GOD IS OBAMA FORCING HOLLYWOOD TO SUBVERT FAMILY VALUES WITH GROSS MOVIES

Winner: MacFarlane's older sidekick, Bill Maher, the toxic atheist HBO star and the epitome of self-indulgent Hollywood liberalism, a man who shamelessly denounces the rest of America as a nation of idiots.

Maher wrote a million-dollar check to Obama's Super PAC Priorities U.S.A.
The liberal media labored mightily to connect Mitt Romney to Donald Trump, but have said almost nothing to connect Maher to Obama.

I mean, Maher gave Obama money and supported him, and Trump did the same for Romney, and both of these facts are pretty much common knowledge now, and how is this relevant to your point about the Obama culture?  

Maher had another year of vicious commentary. Late in the campaign, he joked, "If you're thinking about voting for Mitt Romney, I would like to make this one plea: black people know who you are, and they will come after you." After Obama's victory, Maher joked about Karl Rove, "It was a little Hitler's bunker, wasn't it? I wanted to rush in with a cyanide capsule there."

I mean, we can all agree on the fact that Bill Maher is a dick, so okay.

He summed up the election this way: "It is your choice, America, because for me it is a win-win. If it's Obama, America wins, and if it's Romney, comedy wins." Maher has set the tone: Comedy is strictly deployed against the people who don't like Obama. 

Hey, what about that joke you made earlier about how gross "Ted" was?  You're violating the Obama comedy deployment regulations.  Please report to Sector Five for cultural reprogramming.

If that feels like a Third World backwater to you, welcome to the Obama culture.

Bozell's definition of Third World country: a place where comedy cannot freely be used because Bill Maher said so.  I must say that the whole far-right panic over Obama ruining America makes much more sense if we accept that America can be ruined by minor celebrities saying stupid shit on television. 

Winner: Roseanne Barr. 

Fun fact: Roseanne Barr ran for President in 2012 for two different political parties, has announced her candidacy for Prime Minister of Israel, and said that Wall Street Bankers should be beheaded or sent to re-education camps if they don't agree to massive fines.  OBAMA CULTURE

Can we stop for a second?  All of these people who are allegedly Obama's cultural winners are really not new faces on the scene.  McFarlane became prominent when Bill Clinton was president in 1999.  Barr and Maher both arrived in the early 1980s, under Ronald Reagan.  If these people represent a new Obama worldview, they were absolute visionaries.  Maybe I'm unclear on what exactly "cultural winners of Obama's America" means, but none of these people seems to be more than remotely related to Obama in any way whatsoever. They aren't exactly great representatives of the current culture, nor do they have much to gain from Obama winning the election, and frankly it just seems like you picked people that you hope your readership would find offensive in the hopes that their mindless anger would overcome any desire they might have to read an article that makes actual sense.

She just won't go away. She was honored as comedic trailblazer for women with a Comedy Central roast. Katey Sagal, who played a foolish bimbo mom on "Married with Children," used the occasion to whack at Ann Romney: "Roseanne, I feel honored that you and I broke new ground as TV moms who didn't cook, didn't clean and didn't make any money. In the '90s, that made you a bad mom. But today it makes you Mitt Romney's wife."

Mrs. Romney, you may seek help here.

Roseanne also exemplified the Obama culture's reaction to Chick-fil-A, in several Christian-bashing Twitter rants in July, including: "Anyone who eats S—t Fil-A deserves to get the cancer that is sure to come from eating antibiotic filled tortured chickens 4Christ". Then came the geopolitics: "Off to grab a s—it fil-A sandwich on my way to worshiping Christ, supporting AIPAC and war in Iran."

One of the very best things about the internet is that after a prolonged election campaign during which Chik-Fil-A played a prominent role in demonstrating some of the key cultural conflicts between the involved parties, we have a full record of what everyone said about Chik-Fil-A.  Let's take a look at what Obama said, so we can better understand what an Obama culture would look like, vis-a-vis chicken sandwiches:

For those who don't enjoy math, let me sincerely not apologize for this. 

As math-inclined people and those who had to take real college courses instead of satisfying their requirements with courses titled "The Way Things Work" will already know, that means that Obama said not one thing about Chik-Fil-A.  I'm not sure Ms. Barr's comments "exemplify" the Obama culture, at least in this regard.  As for worshiping Christ, supporting AIPAC, and threatening war with Iran, those are all things Obama actually does, so I'm not sure how mocking them counts as part of his culture. 

Winner: Howard Stern. NBC parted with $20 million to bring in the old shock-jock as a sharp-tongued judge on their summer show "America's Got Talent." The ratings dropped, but in the Obama culture, that's not really the point. 

The point is...?  You missed a great opportunity to make up a point, like "requiring that gun control laws also apply to military units" or "creating a new Disneyworld only open to gay couples so that kids will want to be gay".

NBC just announced Stern signed a new contract for 2013 to repeat his "towering presence and opinions," because his "dedication comes across in a genuine way to our viewers who share his passion." 

The slogan for Team Obama in 2012 was "Forward." There's nothing forward about the Obama culture, however. It is down, down, straight down, into the abyss.

You just wrote an entire article alleging that the Obama culture is upon us and doom, destruction, etc.  Every single "example" you gave to support this is just a person who happens to exist while Obama is President, and at no point did you demonstrate any connection between any of them and Obama.  Using that process, you could have made the Obama culture be absolutely anything you wanted it to be, and you went with older celebrities who are kinda assholes and sorta liberal.  I guess that's worth one more restraint point, for a grand total of three.  Feel free to turn those in for any of our great prizes on your way out.