Here is a thing that really happened: Donald Trump has publicly proved that his father is not an orangutan

Donald Trump has made the news several times recently for being a sad, lonely hairpiece who just wants love and attention repeatedly demanding to see Obama's birth certificate, even after Obama had already shown him (and the rest of America) said certificate.  When I was young, my parents would sometimes let me have three girl scout cookies, so often I'd eat one really fast and be like "hey, guys, you only gave me two cookies, that's totally not fair and I should get another one!" and then they'd be like "god, five-year-olds are fucking idiots, even if this one did successfully use an adverb correctly just now".  I'm not really sure how that anecdote relates to Trump, but it seemed important to share it.

 Anyway, Trump is once again in the news regarding a birth certificate, this time his own.  Bill Maher recently pledged $5 million to a charity of Trump's choice if Trump could prove that he was not "the spawn of his mother having sex with orangutan…".  Trump, sensing a chance to get people to look at him, actually chose to release it, so now we have access to that, for whatever it's worth.

The only thing remotely of note is that he requested this on May 22, 2012, which suggests that he ordered it several months ago and has been impatiently waiting for someone to demand to see it since then. 

A letter from Trump's lawyer accompanying the certificate reads:

Dear Mr. Maher:

I represent Mr. Donald J. Trump.  I write on his behalf to accept your offer (made during the Jay Leno Show on January 7, 2013) that Mr. Trump prove he is not the "spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan."

Attached hereto is a copy of Mr. Trump's birth certificate, demonstrating that he is the son of Fred Trump, not an orangutan. 

Well demonstrated, sir.  Maher's response to this was “I’m not looking for a feud with Donald Trump,” which: he's really approached this whole situation incorrectly, then.  Personally, I can't wait to see this non-feud progress, since I can't think of two people I'd rather see compete in an effort to look the most ridiculous.  

 BOTH: "No, MY hair is the silliest!"