Tuesday, December 4, 2012

WorldNetDaily calmly reports that Obama intends galactic superiority, eradication of all Jedi

I'm sure you assumed that title was an exaggeration, which it was, but just barely; the actual headline is "Will Obama Build A Death Star Next?".  Now, this is obviously the most ridiculous question one could ask, since A) we lack the space engineering infrastructure to build even a functional X-Wing (we couldn't even build a proton torpedo or the most basic of hyperdrives), let alone a full battle station with a superlaser able to vaporize an entire planet and B) no, Obama is not trying to build a Death Star because that's crazy.  Where did they get this idea?

It sounds like a case of “May the farce be with you,”

It does. 

but at this moment, in a galaxy not far away, there is a real-life petition on a White House website pushing for the funding and construction of a Death Star like the one featured in the “Star Wars” film saga.  

Holy shit, you guys are treating those petitions like real things that you should take seriously?  Let's look at some other examples of real-life petitions on a White House website.  We have people who want to have the country of Canada secede from the United States:

 OK, so maybe that one was just a few idiots.  But we also have people pushing to make "The Rock" starring Nicolas Cage into the "Official Movie of America":

People who want to establish motorcycle judges to replace our current legal system:

People who want to punch Grover Norquist in the dick:

 And whatever this is:
I wouldn't be that surprised to discover that Odd Future actually sent this one in.
 So, it's safe to say that these petitions are more closely related to internet comments on Yahoo! Answers or Youtube than they are to binding legislation passed by Congress.  WND, however, is convinced that the Death Star is a legitimate potential goal of the Obama administration.  The next bit of the article is reproduced here in an entirely unaltered form (first caption theirs):

The specific petition is on the White House’s “We the People” site, and states:
We petition the Obama administration to: Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.
Those who sign here petition the United States government to secure funding and resources, and begin construction on a Death Star by 2016.
By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.
In the “Star Wars” movies, the Death Star was an armed battle station in space that produced enough concentrated firepower to instantly destroy a planet.

WND is concerned that their readers might not have seen Star Wars, which is sensible since this is the same crowd that boycotted Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.  Besides, Rebel Alliance?  Sounds like a Commie revolution scheme to me.  Look, we get it--it's a space station that blows up planets.

So far, there’s no official response from the White House

Are they covering up progress on an already-built Death Star?  Someone get Boba Fett on this pronto.

but there could be one should the petition collect 25,000 signatures by mid-December. As of Monday afternoon, more than 800 people signed the online measure.

Just think, if 24,200 more people sign, the White House might have to officially respond to one of a bazillion fake petitions that have sprung up on their remarkably ill-thought-out petition website. 

Interestingly, one of the names on the petition is “Darth V.” from Burlington, N.C., who signed the measure Dec. 1.

"Yo Barack, come check this out.  I went on the petition site and signed it--get this--as Darth Vader.  Man, I crack me up!"
Darth Vader is the legendary character from “Star Wars” who was the father of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, and was seduced to the “dark side of the force.”

WHAT?  Luke and Leia are related and Vader is their fucking DAD?  Give me a fucking spoiler alert next time, assholes.

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