Guess which state accidentally banned all computers and smartphones

Source: HuffPo

Neil Young has a blog where he tells us about his dreams and you should read it

I highly suggest that you just go to the site and read it there, but here's an excerpt from his most recent entry in case the mere fact that Neil Young has a dream blog wasn't enough to draw you in.  This entry is titled "Dream Five: Medieval Kineval: Part 1".

Howdy squirrels!

Just so you're aware, Neil Young does not actually think his readers are squirrels--he just refers to them as such.  In fact, much about his blog reflects a bit of an obsession with squirrels--for example, the blog is described as shown here:

Also, the first few posts reflect both an interest in squirrels and a great deal of unfamiliarity with how an internet blog works:

Carry on.

Hope that last dream didn’t get you too hungry for some cotton candy – LOL! 

The last dream was about Neil Young and Elvis Costello being kidnapped by circus performers and nearly killed by being shot out of cannons. Luckily, Neil remembered that he was a wizard in the nick of time and was able to use his magic to save them.  I am not making any of this up.

Speakin’ of eating, I sure do love a great meal. Course, Pegi makes the best grub out of anyone. Love you Pegi!

Every now and then, I like to take a trek to a restaurant and grab a bite or two, usually when Peg’s outta town. Not too long ago the wife was out and about, so I called one of my best buds, Dave Grohl to see if he wanted to chow down.

I have no idea if this setup for the dream is true or not, but the idea that Neil Young and Dave Grohl are best buds makes me happy, so let's assume this is all factual so far.  Oh, and guess where Neil and Dave like to eat when they go out:

Dave was more than happy to meet up, and it just so happened I was in his neck of the woods in SoCal. Dave then asked me where I wanted to meet up.
          
I suggested The Medieval Times in Buena Vista. You know, the spot where you get to dress up like a king and grub on turkey legs? Dave thought it sounded like a swell idea and we both headed over. What a great guy. Hey Dave!

Of course Dave Grohl and Neil Young go to Medieval Times to eat.  FYI, this is not yet part of the dream; it's just a setup for the dream, which occurs when Neil passes out at Medieval Times.  Seriously!

We got to Medieval Times and were seated right in front of the jousting arena. So cool! Before the excitement began, we ordered our dishes. Dave, always the health- conscious dude, got a green salad and a glass of red wine. Me, I pulled a regular Brian Wilson. 8 turkey legs and 5 goblets of non-alcoholic mead later, I was feeling pretty wild.

“You all right Neil?” Dave asked. I must’ve looked pretty pale.
          
“I’ll… be… fine…” Holy Toledo! I felt like Frosty The Snowman at a 4^th O’ July shindig. Couldn’t spill the beans and let Dave know I wasn’t feeling well though. I didn’t want to ruin the evening!
          
“Neil, you look kind of sick. Come on, let me get you some antacid or something!”
            
I belched. “I’m fine… I just…” There must have been a truckload of tryptophan in those legs, squirrels, cause next I knew I was laid out on the floor and feeling pretty sleepy…

So, Neil Young is passed out on the floor at a restaurant / joust, and now will tell us about the dream he had there.  Proponents of the theory that there are an infinite number of parallel universes in which every possible eventuality is true in at least one universe could cite this as proof that we live in one of the more outlandish and unlikely ones.  Anyway, here's the part where we learn about Neil Young's dreams after he's had five goblets of allegedly non-alcoholic mead:

I slowly opened my eyes. I looked around and saw a bustling village setting. This was no Buena Vista! I gathered myself and dusted off my clothes. What the hell was I wearing! It looked to be I had on leather boots, green tights, and a tunic with a light layer of chain mail over it. I felt my hip and sure enough there was a sword at my side. What was I? Some kind of warrior? Cortez came outta nowhere and landed on my arm. He sure was a sight for sore eyes.

It may help the unfamiliar reader to know that Cortez is the name of a dragon that appears in many of Neil's dreams.

“Excuse me, kind sir.” He had a familiar whisper to his voice. “Would thou have a pence to spare on a poor soul such as I?”
            
I felt around in my pocket. Nothing.
            
“Sorry, sir, all I have is the shirt on my back and the crow on my shoulder.”
           
The old man chuckled. What the heck? “Check again,” he mumbled.
            
I dug into my pocket yet again. Holy Mama Cass! There was a huge mound of gold coins!
            
The beggar laughed and removed his hood. It was Tom! That trickster got me again!
            
“Neil,” he said lighting a stogie, “I’ll cut to the chase. We’re in Medieval Europe. There’s trouble brewing, and you’re the guy this kingdom needs. King Robert, well, you’ll be in his court soon. You’ll be needing this -” Tom handed me a beautiful wooden lute. It had “N” and “Y” carved into it. Beautiful.

Neil Young is a famous musician, even in his dreams.

“What kind of trouble are we talking about, Tom? Fair maidens in peril? Barbarian attacks?”
            
Tom took a drag and then put it out on his shoe. “I’ll tell you what. Stick by that lute and I promise you’ll be fine. Oh, and you may be needing this.” Tom then handed me a small vile. “From the Doc.” He nodded. “Only use it if you come to a battle of… spells and fantasy.”
            
I nodded. Tom meant business. “We heading to the castle, then? Lead the way!”
            
“Dave should be here any minute to take you there. Yours truly is heading to the pub. Medieval grog may be about as lethal as drinking petrol, but you only go around once.”
            
“Dave? Dave Crosby? Dave Matthews? Come on, Tom!”
            
"I know far too many musicians named Dave, now that I think about it."

Suddenly, a knightly looking figure riding atop a steed came into sight. It was Dave Grohl, my dinner date! Here he was, all in plated armor and a sword just like Aragorn’s!
            
Dave’s horse whinnied as they stalled, “Easy, Providence!” The horse calmed. “Sir Neil! You’ve arrived!”
            
I couldn’t believe it. “Dave, this is gonna sound kooky, but I think our ‘real’ world experiences leaked into my unconscious! You know, me passing out at Medieval Times brought us both here!”

I'll leave off my commentary at this point, since there's really not much I can add to the brilliance of Neil's dreams.  Thus far we have determined that Neil Young is a lucid dreamer, who is aware that he is dreaming, but still seems breathlessly excited to go on a medieval adventure with Dave Grohl.  Can't blame him, really.  As some of you may have noticed, the story up to here sounds somewhat like the plot to the movie Black Knight, but I assure you that the remainder is in no way derivative.  Go read it. 

In the race to be the most literate and popular person on Twitter, Obama barely edges out Katy Perry

Per this Buzzfeed story, Obama, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga have Twitter accounts which read at the highest grade level of the top ten most followed accounts on Twitter.  All came in at around a 6th grade level, which: I have no idea what it means to tweet at a 6th grade level.  Is that good?  It's tough to demonstrate literacy in 140 characters.  To the surprise of no one, Justin Bieber was last, not quite reaching the literacy level of your garden-variety first grader. 

Tough luck, Beebz!  Stay in school now.

Donald Trump attempts to eloquently attack Mark Cuban on Twitter, fails

This is a moderately fair point, in that Mark Cuban does occasionally comport himself with the dignity of a particularly mature toddler.  Unfortunately for The Donald, he didn't stop at just one:

I believe only the last sentence there is Donald's, but he's terrible at tweeting so there's no way to be sure whether this is a coherent response or the insane ramblings it at first appears to be.  Still, this is (at best, with all the benefit of the doubt I can muster) a solid insult for a 3rd grader. 

Next, Trump goes to yet greater heights of sophomoric jabs:

Ha!  Swings like a girl.  That's real fresh.  How about you, Donald--what's your swing like?

HAR HAR HE'S A LOOOOOOOSEEEEEER RESPECT MY CHAMPEENSHIPS

At this point, Trump began receiving displeased correspondences from some of Cuban's fans, which he responded to in classic Internet fashion:

Perhaps sensing that this new tactic of threatening to visit the homes of all Cuban fans was backfiring, Trump then returned to his earlier discussion of golf skills.  To my knowledge, Trump is actually quite good at golf, so of the available options, this was the second best one after "don't start juvenile insult wars on twitter ever, like seriously, what the fuck are you thinking, that's dumb as hell".

Having suitably chastened Mr. Cuban, Trump decided it was time to fluff his own ego a bit while delivering the killing blow.  FINISH HIM!

 Dopey!  Whoo-ee, that is some hard-hitting stuff right there.  Cuban's response to all this was reasonable, and I'd deem it the second-best option after, again, "don't start juvenile insult wars on twitter ever, like seriously, what the fuck are you thinking, that's dumb as hell".

Paul McNamara is easily amused by jokes about butts

Paul McNamara of Network World has discovered browser plugins.

Specifically, he has found this plugin:

It's a browser plug-in for Chrome, Safari or Firefox -- posted to Github by someone going by the name panicsteve -- that simply replaces every reference to "the cloud" on a webpage with the words "my butt."

Hilarity ensues.

Quite.

Now I say hilarity ensues despite the fact that I wasn't willing to install the extension myself. As Rick Harrison of Pawn Stars fame might say, it's not that I don't trust panicsteve, it's that I don't trust anybody.

So you cracked yourself up just imagining what a webpage would look like with the words "my butt" on it?  That's kind of precious, actually.

And besides, you can achieve the same hilarious effect, 

Hilarity!

albeit nowhere near as elegantly, by using the find-and-replace function in Microsoft Word, which I did do

using a recent story written by Network World's in-house authority on all things cloud, senior writer Brandon Butler.

I hate to spoil the story for anyone, but I will tell you this: McNamara finds the result of his Word find/replace efforts to be just the most fucking hilarious thing ever.

The result was seven sentences in which the phrase "the cloud" was replaced by "my butt." Some of the sentences were funny.

Others not so much?  Guess you can't win 'em all, McNamara.

Some were way too funny.

And others, well ... After a few minutes of professional reflection - much of it spent starring at pictures of my kids

I decided I wasn't willing to actually publish the sentences here. Sorry, you'll have to do your own experiments.

So it was okay to tell us about the plugin that inserts the words "my butt" into articles, but actually showing us a nonsensical sentence where it's been done is going too far?

But, if you're willing to go that far for a cheap laugh, I suggest you try one better:

Something involving fart jokes?  They're like butt jokes, but improved!

Years ago - many years ago -

 someone suggested that I take any old Word document and do a find-and-replace on it swapping out every "the" and replacing it with "the f*****g."

A thousand times funnier than cloud-my-butt.

One thousand times the hilarity!  I wish I were as easily amused as you, good sir.

Regarding Gary Busey and my newfound phobia of inner tubes

Ever wondered if it's possible to fuck an inner tube?  Gary Busey has the answer.  I've always felt that "flabbergasted" is a word that people should only be able to use once in their lives, because that would make it special and it seems like a word that shouldn't be used lightly.  I'm thoroughly flabbergasted by this whole video, and by Gary Busey, and I do not want to go tubing ever again.  Video involves some NSFW language, if that was not apparent already.

University of California unveils new logo, everyone points and laughs

The University of California has had the same logo for 102 years now, so somebody decided it was time for a change.  There's nothing in particular wrong with the old logo--it's just kinda old, and higher-ups felt like it wasn't well suited for online use.

There appears to be a rudimentary Kindle there in the middle.  How quaint.

So they went off and consulted some graphic designers, who came up with this:

No, that's not a loading screen--that's actually the logo.

Understandably, some people were confused why UC suddenly felt like they'd be best represented by a Vista loading icon on a kickboard.  Words like "derision", "blunder", "mockery", and "backlash" were thrown around by critics (really, those are all words that now appear on the first page of Google results for "UC logo").

The Internet hasn't been this riled up since, well, probably some other time this morning when a thing happened.

 The new logo was also an easy target for Photoshop artisans, who quickly pointed out the unfortunate resemblance to a loading icon. 

I guess they just figured that anything related to computers would communicate how cool and futuristic they were.  Nothing says "the future" like the thing you look at when you wait for your goddamn computer to work fucking properly.

UC isn't the first organization to pick a technology-themed logo which didn't really send the message they were hoping for--in fact, it's more common than you might think, even among tech companies.

Is that man trapped in the hourglass?  Who thought this would be good as a logo?  Were they drunk?

Other dedicated Photoshoppers made other mockups, which: just because two things are both related to the University of California does not mean they are funny when you put them together.

Ha Ha!  The cop's pepper spraying a bad logo, get it?  Me neither.

Anyway, following the furor over the new logo, UC refused to back down--the logo was implemented on their site and they seemed to think that the criticism would die down, which is reasonable for anyone who's ever seen the Internet get fired up about something for approximately three hours before something else happens and everyone forgets about it.  However, the criticism here seems to be sustainable--public figures up to and including the Lt. Governor of California have stated their opposition.  It's unclear what the university will do--presently, the logo appears to have been largely removed from the site.  In fact, it appears nowhere on the main page at present, and if you go to Berkley's page, you'll see it just once: it appears as part of a news story about the outrage over the new logo.  This has been your internet controversy of the day.

Nothing says "proud of our new logo" like burying it in the bottom left corner of your site.

WorldNetDaily calmly reports that Obama intends galactic superiority, eradication of all Jedi

I'm sure you assumed that title was an exaggeration, which it was, but just barely; the actual headline is "Will Obama Build A Death Star Next?".  Now, this is obviously the most ridiculous question one could ask, since A) we lack the space engineering infrastructure to build even a functional X-Wing (we couldn't even build a proton torpedo or the most basic of hyperdrives), let alone a full battle station with a superlaser able to vaporize an entire planet and B) no, Obama is not trying to build a Death Star because that's crazy.  Where did they get this idea?

It sounds like a case of “May the farce be with you,”

It does. 

but at this moment, in a galaxy not far away, there is a real-life petition on a White House website pushing for the funding and construction of a Death Star like the one featured in the “Star Wars” film saga.  

Holy shit, you guys are treating those petitions like real things that you should take seriously?  Let's look at some other examples of real-life petitions on a White House website.  We have people who want to have the country of Canada secede from the United States:

 OK, so maybe that one was just a few idiots.  But we also have people pushing to make "The Rock" starring Nicolas Cage into the "Official Movie of America":

People who want to establish motorcycle judges to replace our current legal system:

People who want to punch Grover Norquist in the dick:

 And whatever this is:

I wouldn't be that surprised to discover that Odd Future actually sent this one in.

 So, it's safe to say that these petitions are more closely related to internet comments on Yahoo! Answers or Youtube than they are to binding legislation passed by Congress.  WND, however, is convinced that the Death Star is a legitimate potential goal of the Obama administration.  The next bit of the article is reproduced here in an entirely unaltered form (first caption theirs):

ZOMG THAT'S SUCH AN OBAMA MOVE, WANTING POWER TO DESTROY ENTIRE PLANETS

The specific petition is on the White House’s “We the People” site, and states:

We petition the Obama administration to: Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.
Those who sign here petition the United States government to secure funding and resources, and begin construction on a Death Star by 2016.
By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.

In the “Star Wars” movies, the Death Star was an armed battle station in space that produced enough concentrated firepower to instantly destroy a planet.

WND is concerned that their readers might not have seen Star Wars, which is sensible since this is the same crowd that boycotted Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.  Besides, Rebel Alliance?  Sounds like a Commie revolution scheme to me.  Look, we get it--it's a space station that blows up planets.

So far, there’s no official response from the White House

Are they covering up progress on an already-built Death Star?  Someone get Boba Fett on this pronto.

but there could be one should the petition collect 25,000 signatures by mid-December. As of Monday afternoon, more than 800 people signed the online measure.

Just think, if 24,200 more people sign, the White House might have to officially respond to one of a bazillion fake petitions that have sprung up on their remarkably ill-thought-out petition website. 

Interestingly, one of the names on the petition is “Darth V.” from Burlington, N.C., who signed the measure Dec. 1.

"Yo Barack, come check this out.  I went on the petition site and signed it--get this--as Darth Vader.  Man, I crack me up!"

Darth Vader is the legendary character from “Star Wars” who was the father of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, and was seduced to the “dark side of the force.”

WHAT?  Luke and Leia are related and Vader is their fucking DAD?  Give me a fucking spoiler alert next time, assholes.

2000 Onion article is oddly prescient

The Onion posted a piece back in 2000 which made fun of the idea that we might someday use the internet for everything--apparently, this idea was ludicrous in 2000.  I guess I do remember my WebTV being so incredibly slow that I often wouldn't notice for several minutes that someone had picked up the phone and I was no longer connected because seriously, fuck dialup.  Ah, childhood.

Jesus fuck, WebTV.  I just want to look up my damn Pokemon walkthroughs why is this so hard fuuuuuuuck.

 Here's the Onion headline I mentioned:

Comedy in 2000 becomes a boring factual article in 2012.  Progress!

Ha-ha, checking a newspaper website for movie times?  How quaint.  We all have apps to do that now. 
The article continues:

Larry has used the Internet to assist friends, as well. "Last week, we had a houseguest who was wondering if there were any Jesuit colleges in Ohio," Wisniewski said. "All I had to do was open up my AOL software, enter my password, point the browser to www.yahoo.com, and click on Society & Culture, followed by Religion & Spirituality. From there, I had only to click Faiths & Practices, then Christianity, then Denominations & Sects, and then Catholic. Then I simply clicked on Orders, Jesuits, Colleges & Universities, Ohio, and boom, right there in front of me are Xavier University in Cincinnati and John Carroll University in Cleveland."


Aside from the ladders of links that Area Man has to navigate to find information, this is basically how a lot of people look things up now.  Google was in existence in 2000, but hadn't totally taken off yet, so people were still going through page after page of Yahoo! links and using AOL keywords to find things. 

No, Grandma, that's not where that goes, and you should really pick a new password.

Wisniewski's friends, for their part, are impressed by his technological savvy and access to limitless global databases. "I feel like such a caveman for looking up phone numbers in a phone book," neighbor Steve Lindblad said. "All those pages and that ink–it's so embarrassing."

It's funny because that really would be kind of embarrassing now.  I don't think I even have a phone book.  The last phone book I remember having was the one we set on fire in a dorm basement (NOTE: depending on who's asking, I did not set a phone book on fire in a college dorm.  I was studying that night).

For all of Wisniewski's success in surfing for online info, he said Pamela is "still getting the hang" of the Internet and its power. "Pam is always asking stuff like, 'Why don't we just look the word up in our old-fashioned dictionary?'" Wisniewski said. "The answer, of course, is simple: because we don't have to."

I can only assume that this article was funny when it was written because there was a time when early adopters were a little over-excited about the internet.  It used to be super slow, and there was a time when retrieving a dictionary was faster than waiting for this:

And this:

The use of an old-timey wooden sailing ship tiller in the loading screen turned out to be quite appropriate.

Just to look up one word, that might be excessive.  Actually, looking at all this old internet stuff, it's pretty amazing just how quickly this Onion article became factually accurate.  Thanks for being ahead of the curve, Area Man!

When it comes to claiming voter fraud, dream big

Prior to the election, Dean Chambers had a site called Unskewed Polling.  You may remember them as the group that claimed to believe this would be the outcome of the election:

I tried to make sure this was the correct prediction, but unsurprisingly, the site has been taken down.

One might expect that Chambers would take a few months off to recover from his glaringly incorrect predictions and maybe learn math, but he's back with another web venture: BarackOFraudo.com!  No, really, that's what he called it.  It looks like this:

O'Fraudo?  Is that a reference to Irish heritage?  Why?  Is O'Fraudo supposed to sound like Obama?  What the hell, man.

Ignoring the terrible site design--no, just kidding, I'm not going to ignore that.  First of all, there are random links everywhere, 90% of which are broken and go to a 404 not found page.  The image in the upper left is a link, which takes you directly back to the same page it appears on.  Click on the words "Barack O'Fraudo?"  Also a link back to the same page.  You'll note that in the maroon links running horizontally across the top, the first one is slightly lower than the rest.  Why?  Because the blank space contains the words "QStar Network", but for some reason the letters are white on a white background.  His coding is so bad that I couldn't copy-paste any text from the article, because he kept leaving open html tags everywhere and making everything go wonky. 

Of the many, many links, most are about various voter fraud items; for some reason some of them reference voter fraud in 2008 (which, okay, that's semi-related to your crazy person point), and some of them reference voter fraud by Obama Kerry Gore Clinton Dukakis Mondale Jimmy Carter, in 1980, which is 32 years ago.  Why?

If the 1980 election could have been handed to Jimmy Carter by stealing fewer than 2 million votes, less than 3 percent nationwide, then the much closer election of 2012 won by just 2.6 percent in the popular vote and fewer than 400,000 votes in the four key swing stats that denied Mitt Romney the presidency, could easily have been stolen by various methods of vote fraud and ballot-box stuffing.

Okay, the argument is that if we assume Jimmy Carter could have stolen the election by somehow getting 2 million fraudulent votes, then it'd be totally feasible for Obama to do the same, since he only needed 400,000.  Why is that an argument?  This is entirely made up.

Note: This is a scenario, we are NOT suggesting there was any vote fraud in the 1980 election. 

Does anything mean anything?  What are words?  What is life?

What the hell was the point of that?  "If we assume a thing that we are not assuming then this other thing is presumably assumable."  So far, Dean's evidence for voter fraud is that he created an imagination picture where it could have theoretically happened before and if that were true, it could happen again.  Madness.  Anyway, Dean goes on to lay out a whole scenario where Carter could have hypothetically committed voter fraud--it's batshit crazy, and the whole point is that the existence of a theoretical election theft proves that it could happen again, or something.  I can't even paraphrase it without sounding ridiculous.  

Anyway, Dean's main point, aside from showing us how Jimmy Carter helped Barack Obama steal the 1980 election or something, is that the 2012 election is dubious, as some states were affected by (gasp) VOTER FRAUD, as shown:

If Obama had just stolen 63 more electoral votes from Romney, "Obama Fraud" could have placed second in the election.

Shockingly, Dean gives very little evidence to explain why he believes these 4 states were stolen; here's literally the entirety of what he has to say about it.

Evidence of vote fraud is very much like that. Those who engage in it are slick and do all they can to hide it, so the evidence is often quite circumstantial. In fact, often the circumstantial evidence is all the evidence we have, such was finding tens of thousands of bogus votes in the ballot box, we didn't see someone actually put them there, but they are found, they are there, and they are clearly evidence of vote fraud. Such is true of the voting divisions where Obama gets 100 percent of the votes cast. As if anyone REALLY believes that is legitimate...

Let's break down his points:

• We don't have evidence of voter fraud, which is evidence of voter fraud because vote frauders are slick and good at hiding their work, so the lack of evidence proves it's happening
• I didn't see people put all those ballots in, so fraud (note: I don't understand what he's saying with "we didn't see someone actually put them there, but they are found, they are there, and they are clearly evidence of vote fraud." If anyone does, please let me know).
• Obama swept districts that are often swept by Democrats?  As if!

That's all of them.  I guess it's not surprising that the guy who kept saying that the polls were skewed would go ahead and say the vote was skewed after the polls turned out to be right.  Let's close with a quote that Dean uses on his site:

"Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk."
           -Henry David Thoreau

I give up.

 

Judge Judy has a YOLO, does not know what YOLO means

To be fair, it looks like Katie Couric set her up by telling her that YOLO means "the one thing you've always dreamed of doing."  My only hope is that Couric is just trying to kill off terrible internet memes by having old people use them.

Dole/Kemp '96 website still operational, still extremely old

Here is a site which should have vanished long ago but luckily has not, so we can explore the natural beauty that is a 1996 presidential campaign page.  The homepage appears below (seriously, full quality, as it appears on the page). 

According to this, Dole had 2 issues he cared about: K-12 education, and Technology and Internet.  

Reading through the updates yields the following description of the page:

On August 1, Dole for President unveiled the first individually 
customizable political web site. If you haven't been to the new site, 
here's a rundown:

When you first visit the site, you are given the option of setting up a 
custom Dole web page. (Requires a Netscape 2.0 compatible 
browser)

That is in fact the font that they used.  For all I know, that was the only font on the internet in 1996.  Sadly, without a Netscape 2.0 compatible browser, I was unable to customize my Dole web page (I wanted to focus on the issues most important to me: federal regulation of bourbon quality and photogenic cats getting the right to vote).  Having been stymied on that front, I went back to the homepage, when I noticed this image:

Pretty sure we've found the oldest gif on the internet.

After admiring that for several minutes, I moved on to the "Dole Kemp '96 Interactive" page, because all of the other links are broken.  Alas, the crossword, make-a-button, and send-a-postcard options were no longer active--you can, however, still obtain Bob Dole desktop wallpaper!  There are 9 options:

Is his dog named Leader?  I think his dog is named Leader.

Attempting to get a large version of any of these was an ultimately failed endeavor--here's what a Dole/Kemp wallpaper at full size looks like:

Maybe he just had one of those really old computers with a tiny screen?

After some further research, I found the issue:

Right now, we feature a variety of downloadable wallpaper images. Decorate your desktop with Dole for President graphics! The images below are shown at 50% of their actual size and are designed to tile seamlessly on your desktop.

Ummmm...no.  That can't be right.  Can it?

I guess the campaign strategy was to convince everyone that total control by our robot Dole overlords was inevitable.

So, yeah, that doesn't look great.  Also I can't locate any of my desktop icons now, and my computer is refusing to do anything for me until I change the desktop back.  Let's keep in mind the most important thing here, though.  It was time for the internet to change, and thanks to Bob Dole, IT HAS...

The future is here, and it's a tiled desktop wallpaper.