Google Drive's autofill feature is both useful and bizarre

 Autofill is a common feature on spreadsheets where you can enter a few items (typically, numbers) like so:

Then, if you click that little blue square and drag down, it'll know that you want to just keep counting up:

Useful!  However, as this story over at TechCrunch today notes, Google Drive has an enhanced version of this, where you can ctrl-click instead of just clicking before you drag and Google will attempt to guess what you want to autofill with pretty much any data you want.  As TechCrunch writer Drew Olanoff notes, you can do this with beer types to produce a comprehensive list of beer varieties (albeit with some noise thrown in):

Obviously, I wanted to try for myself, so I put in a few beer types, autofilled the column, and ta-da!

So that list was populated using three entries ahead of time--as a certified lazy person, I wanted to see if I could use just two for the same result, which did in fact produce basically the same list:

Using just one, however, yielded more unusual results.  If I started with "ale", I think Google assumes I'm looking for country abbreviations:

Using "ipa" yields what appear to be names of college majors in Indonesian:

Starting with "lager" gives us some words I had to translate, but they appear to be basic German (and some Dutch) words that have to do with either A) business transactions or B) automobile repair.  The word "lager" just means "stock", so I guess that's the common thread.  I am not sure where the Dutch words came from.

If we use "porter", we at first just get a list of other jobs, including some oddly specific ones.  The Japanese characters below translate to "Yoshida bag", which seems random at first--however, apparently Yoshida makes a line of porter bags, so that explains that.  Zozotown also seems wholly ridiculous, but it's apparently a Japanese retail site that sells items such as porter bags, so there you go.

I thought typing out the full name of a beer style might help, so I tried "india pale ale", but that just gave a series of "________ pale ale" results, which is boring.  "Imperial pale ale" was more interesting--we got off to a good start, but then it just started naming German months (from 2011, for some reason) as well as the German word for "pages".  No clue.

"Pilsner" was the only single beer type that really worked--it yields a similar list to using several beer types:

Having confirmed that this feature works (mostly), I decided to try a couple other things.  Obviously, I was curious what using my name might yield:

Not much of use there, though I noticed that Google appears to be subtly hinting that others, as opposed to myself, arouse.  Daily dose of damage to self esteem: ☑

Lastly, I wondered if Google's smart autofill could count.  Obviously, the basic version can, since it can only use basic mathematical progressions, but can the more advanced version figure out how to count?  

 Ah.  Well, it did get to eleven, I guess.  It's probably kinda unfair to use the spelled-out versions of numbers--what happens with just the digits?

 No idea what happened there.  Anyway, if you're interested in seeing the results on a spreadsheet, all the images come from here--feel free to add your own if you find some interesting results. 

ESPN continues to report on Joe Flacco as if he were a small child

You may recall that ESPN previously reported that Joe Flacco's father found Joe Flacco to be a dull boy.  Now, in the wake of Flacco's record-breaking, unprecedented contract which makes him the highest-paid player in all of football, ESPN has done a great job of identifying the truly important Flacco news of the day:

 

 

I think I would rather live in a haunted house than one governed by a Homeowners' Association

Justin Jouvenal of the Washington Post reports that there has been a recent feud in Fairfax County between some residents and their local HOA.  For those of you without the time to read an entire article, here's a brief summary:

1. Residents put up a political sign in their yard
2. The HOA says that's not permitted
3. Suddenly, $400,000 in lawsuits

Let's take a look at what happened:

The feud that consumed Fairfax County’s Olde Belhaven would span four years and cost the community as much as $400,000, and it was ignited by one of the smallest of sparks: an Obama for President sign.
 
The modest placard Sam and Maria Farran planted in their yard during the 2008 election put them on a collision course with the neighborhood homeowners association. It was four inches taller than the association’s covenants allowed.

Four years.  Four hundred thousand dollars.  Four inches.  I feel like this is the tagline for Nicolas Cage's next film.

In any case, a resident committed a minor infraction of the rules regarding signage.  I'm sure the neighbors reacted calmly and rationally to this, yes?

“Need I say more! This would lead to chaos,” a neighbor fretted in an e-mail about the precedent that would be set if the sign wasn’t removed. “Our property values would be put at risk.”

Don't worry--the quotes from the community get way crazier.  This is just the warmup.

Sam and Maria Farran, a wine broker and a government lawyer, moved to the 44-unit townhouse community in the Alexandria section of Fairfax in 1999. In many ways, it is a typical Northern Virginia neighborhood, with tidy houses and a mix of government employees, service members and professionals.

The townhouses line the three-quarter-acre square, which is the neighborhood’s central feature and the site of most community-wide events. Without the green plot, it might be difficult to call Belhaven a community.

Sounds like quite a community.  Could we get a recent anecdote showing how the HOA is normally quite reasonable and not known for going off on residents for minor violations of neighborhood protocol?

The Farrans said the HOA had a reputation for hard-line stances.

Not off to a good start...

In one case, board member Don Hughes compared some residents’ refusal to install window-pane dividers to the “cat and mouse game Saddam Hussein played with the USA,” e-mails show.

Well, that's a totally unfair comparison.  Hussein did have window dividers--take a look:

Anyway, that's a strong opening from Mr. Hughes--did he perhaps finish the email with a vague, extremely disproportionate threat?

Ultimately, Hussein “paid the price,” he said, concluding that the residents should comply. 

Get them installed, yall. Otherwise, they send in the troops to topple your lawn gnome statues.

Nevertheless, the Farrans were surprised when letters arrived in October 2008 telling them and others that their political placards were too large.

“This is our final request,” Hughes wrote on behalf of the board.

E-mails show that Hughes pushed the board to act. He wrote that he was prepared to make a motion to put a lien on the Farrans’ house if they didn’t comply. He called sending a letter a “teaching moment.” Hughes declined to comment.

Threatening to take someone's house is a great teaching moment!  Maybe next you could threaten to kidnap their children if they don't keep their lawn mowed, or fine people $900 for using the wrong color of Christmas lights.

The Farrans were angry. They acknowledged that the sign broke the rules but said it seemed like an assault on free speech to go after a minor violation during the height of an election. Their response: cutting the placard in half. They planted “OBA” and “MA” signs in their front yard.

As satisfying as it may seem, fucking with overzealous HOA's is probably a bad idea.  I'm guessing the board members were not amused.

The prank did not amuse board members.

See!

And they decided to act.

They passed a resolution allowing the board to fine residents up to $900 per infraction for violating HOA guidelines. Across the country, fining authority has been controversial, with HOAs hitting residents with levies for such transgressions as displays of colored Christmas lights and patches of dead grass.

My Christmas display featured both, but I thought it was really quite tasteful.

Board members believed that they had the right under Virginia law, but the Farrans saw an illegal power grab that had no basis in the HOA’s covenants. When the board, acting at a meeting that was not publicly announced, rejected the Farrans’ roof and deck projects for aesthetic and architectural reasons, the Farrans said it was retribution.

“It’s like we weren’t living in America,” Maria Farran said. “You are always one board election away from a tyranny. They wield enormous power.”

Maria, you have it backwards--remember, you're Saddam Hussein, imposing your tyrannical four-inches-too-tall OBA MA sign.  They're preserving everyone's freedom by prohibiting you from doing work on your own home in a secret meeting.

The Farrans filed a lawsuit against the HOA saying it didn’t have the authority to impose fines and had vindictively rejected their home improvements. 

Board members were taken aback. They saw residents who wouldn’t abide by the rules that had made Olde Belhaven a great neighborhood and who were willing to resort to drastic action to get what they wanted.

Archie Umphlett, one of the neighborhood’s oldest residents, put it this way: “When it comes to the Farrans, it’s their way or the highway.”

Umphlett is a fantastic name, so good work on that front, Archie.  I'm sure that you guys will want to act rationally at this juncture so that the HOA appears to be the voice of reason, right?

The Farrans said HOA backers told them to move. They found bullets in their yard. Someone implored a priest at their church to prevail on the Farrans to stop the lawsuit. A local real estate agent said the infighting was scaring off some home buyers.

So, to recap the story: HOA attempts to get residents to remove a sign, citing property values as a reason.  In its campaign to get the sign removed, it manages to create a massive dispute scaring off any potential buyers.  People call on religious leaders to take sides, and leave bullets in yards as a threat.  I'm starting to see how the Saddam Hussein reference makes sense now. 

The story goes on to talk about how the legal fees bankrupted the HOA and how all the neighborhood people have to pay more in HOA fees now and they had to sell the town square and so on, which is all very tragic, I'm sure.  You gotta feel at least a little bad for the other residents who got screwed over when their HOA felt like dicking over some people because of a sign.  Still, it's always entertaining when someone tries to abuse a position of power and it totally backfires.  I wonder if I have an animated gif that would illustrate this point?  Spoiler: I do!

Weather.com is pretty okay with doing whatever it takes to increase site traffic

Here are two of the stories currently on the front page of weather.com:

Romance is dead. Thanks, NOKIA

Alex Williams writes today in the New York Times that young people are continuing to have trouble with dating because they're all texting and gchatting and shit, and now the young people are growing up into confused twenty-somethings who don't get why "uwana d8 lol" isn't an appropriate method of courtship.  Mr. Williams, take it away:

MAYBE it was because they had met on OkCupid. But when the dark-eyed musician with artfully disheveled hair asked Shani Silver, a social media and blog manager in Philadelphia, out on a “date” Friday night, she was expecting at least a drink, one on one. 

Fair enough. 

“At 10 p.m., I hadn’t heard from him,” said Ms. Silver, 30, who wore her favorite skinny black jeans. Finally, at 10:30, he sent a text message. “Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever?” he wrote, before adding, “I’m here with a bunch of friends from college.” 

It sounds like the problem is less anything to do with OkCupid or people in general, and more that this one dude has no clue what the word "date" means.

Turned off, she fired back a text message, politely declining. But in retrospect, she might have adjusted her expectations. “The word ‘date’ should almost be stricken from the dictionary,” Ms. Silver said. “Dating culture has evolved to a cycle of text messages, each one requiring the code-breaking skills of a cold war spy to interpret.”

Here, let me try!  He texted, “Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever?  I’m here with a bunch of friends from college.”  Let's apply the secret decoder ring:

Looks like what he was trying to communicate was “Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever?  I’m here with a bunch of friends from college.”  Don't feel bad--I do have this awesome decoder ring, so I'm basically a cold war spy.  Anyway, the problem here appears to still just be that this one dude doesn't know what a date is, or has some really weird ideas about group dating with his college friends, or he's a dark-eyed musician with disheveled hair and with that whole Twilight craze people are into that right now so he doesn't really have to put much effort into dating, you know?

“It’s one step below a date, and one step above a high-five,” she added. Dinner at a romantic new bistro? Forget it. Women in their 20s these days are lucky to get a last-minute text to tag along. Raised in the age of so-called “hookup culture,” millennials — who are reaching an age where they are starting to think about settling down — are subverting the rules of courtship. 

You guys, they're breaking the rules and it's changing everything.  As an aside, if you want to get dinner at a romantic new bistro, one good way to make that happen is ask someone "Do you want to get dinner at <name of romantic new bistro>?"  A less good way is to hope that they guess that you want to do that and then talk about how their code words are inscrutable.

Instead of dinner-and-a-movie, which seems as obsolete as a rotary phone, they rendezvous over phone texts, Facebook posts, instant messages and other “non-dates” that are leaving a generation confused about how to land a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Hey, I'm 25 and I'm not confused at all!  I just go up to people and ask "Can I land you as my boyfriend or girlfriend?"  They're usually a bit unclear as to why I used the word "land" and said both boyfriend and girlfriend, and the response is pretty much the same every time.

“The new date is ‘hanging out,’ ” said Denise Hewett, 24, an associate television producer in Manhattan, who is currently developing a show about this frustrating new romantic landscape. As one male friend recently told her: “I don’t like to take girls out. I like to have them join in on what I’m doing — going to an event, a concert.”

You chose the strangest individuals to interview for this.  This guy legitimately can't be bothered to alter his own plans at all for a date?  This isn't a generational shift, it's just a lazy dude.

 For evidence, look no further than “Girls,” HBO’s cultural weather vane for urban 20-somethings, where none of the main characters paired off in a manner that might count as courtship even a decade ago. In Sunday’s opener for Season 2, Hannah (Lena Dunham) and Adam (Adam Driver), who last season forged a relationship by texting each other nude photos, are shown lying in bed, debating whether being each other’s “main hang” constitutes actual dating.

"For evidence, let's look at fictional television shows and see what characters on TV are doing."  If you did this a decade ago, you'd assume it was totally normal for people to gather in groups of six and frolic in public fountains.

The actors in the show seem to fare no better in real life, judging by a monologue by Zosia Mamet (who plays Shoshanna, the show’s token virgin, since deflowered) at a benefit last fall at Joe’s Pub in the East Village. Bemoaning an anything-goes dating culture, Ms. Mamet, 24, recalled an encounter with a boyfriend whose idea of a date was lounging in a hotel room while he “Lewis and Clarked” her body, then tried to stick her father, the playwright David Mamet, with the bill, according to a Huffington Post report.

The very strangest part of this whole paragraph is that this person has Huffington Post reporting on her dating experience in a hotel room.

Hookups may be fine for college students, but what about after, when they start to build an adult life? The problem is that “young people today don’t know how to get out of hookup culture,” Ms. Freitas said. In interviews with students, many graduating seniors did not know the first thing about the basic mechanics of a traditional date. “They’re wondering, ‘If you like someone, how would you walk up to them? What would you say?

"Hi.  How are you?" (IMPORTANT: let them answer that before you proceed)  "Not bad!  Want to go out sometime?"  This isn't that complicated.

What words would you use?’ ” Ms. Freitas said. 

This is just sad.  "What words would you use?"  The same damn ones you use the rest of the time.  There aren't special words for asking someone out, you just ask them.  Or, you could try Amy Poehler's approach, where you just go up to someone and act like you're dating them until they forget that you aren't.

That may explain why “dates” among 20-somethings resemble college hookups, only without the dorms. Lindsay, a 25-year-old online marketing manager in Manhattan, recalled a recent non-date that had all the elegance of a keg stand (her last name is not used here to avoid professional embarrassment).

After an evening when she exchanged flirtatious glances with a bouncer at a Williamsburg nightclub, the bouncer invited her and her friends back to his apartment for whiskey and boxed macaroni and cheese. When she agreed, he gamely hoisted her over his shoulders, and, she recalled, “carried me home, my girlfriends and his bros in tow, where we danced around a tiny apartment to some MGMT and Ratatat remixes.”

1.  When the bouncer from a nightclub asks you and your friends over for whiskey and mac and cheese, that is not a date or a "date" or anything of the sort.  Comparing this to your nostalgic view of dating in the past is pretty ridiculous, because as it happens people in the past also would go home with each other after being at nightclubs, so it's just a different thing that people still do and used to do, too.
2. Whiskey and mac and cheese sounds awful at first, but for some reason the more I think about it the more I want it.
3. Did he really carry her home?

Relationship experts point to technology as another factor in the upending of dating culture.

Traditional courtship — picking up the telephone and asking someone on a date — required courage, strategic planning and a considerable investment of ego (by telephone, rejection stings). Not so with texting, e-mail, Twitter or other forms of “asynchronous communication,” as techies call it. In the context of dating, it removes much of the need for charm; it’s more like dropping a line in the water and hoping for a nibble.

Hey, online rejection can hurt too!  One time someone just tweeted this picture to me as a response, and let me tell you, I was devastated.

“I’ve seen men put more effort into finding a movie to watch on Netflix Instant than composing a coherent message to ask a woman out,” said Anna Goldfarb, 34, an author and blogger in Moorestown, N.J. 

I mean, have you tried picking a movie on Netflix recently?  I watched Clueless one goddamn time and now all it recommends are 90s pseudo-comedy chick flicks.

A typical, annoying query is the last-minute: “Is anything fun going on tonight?” More annoying still are the men who simply ping, “Hey” or “ ’sup.”

Personally, I prefer an understated "WAZZZZZAAAAAA!!!"

“What does he think I’m doing?” she said. “I’m going to my friend’s house to drink cheap white wine and watch episodes of ‘Dance Moms’ on demand.”

What makes you think I wouldn't be interested in this?  WAZZZZZAAAAA!!!!!

Dodgy economic prospects facing millennials also help torpedo the old, formal dating rituals. Faced with a lingering recession, a stagnant job market, and mountains of student debt, many young people — particularly victims of the “mancession” — simply cannot afford to invest a fancy dinner or show in someone they may or may not click with.

If you're going to use words like "mancession", can you at least tell me what that is?  I had to spend five whole seconds Googling.

What, you thought I'd just tell you?  You can look it up the same way I did.

Further complicating matters is the changing economic power dynamic between the genders, as reflected by a number of studies in recent years, said Hanna Rosin, author of the recent book “The End of Men.”

A much-publicized study by Reach Advisors, a Boston-based market research group, found that the median income for young, single, childless women is higher than it is for men in many of the country’s biggest cities (though men still dominate the highest-income jobs, according to James Chung, the company’s president).  This may be one reason it is not uncommon to walk into the hottest new West Village bistro on a Saturday night and find five smartly dressed young women dining together — the nearest man the waiter. Income equality, or superiority, for women muddles the old, male-dominated dating structure.

So, earlier you were bemoaning the move away from "traditional" dating, and now you're saying that income equality is muddling the old dating structure which was dominated by men.  I'm not an expert at the transitive property, but I can sorta figure where this is headed.

“Maybe there’s still a sense of a man taking care of a woman, but our ideology is aligning with the reality of our finances,” Ms. Rosin said. As a man, you might “convince yourself that dating is passé, a relic of a paternalistic era, because you can’t afford to take a woman to a restaurant.”

Yep!  Men hate dating now because they can't afford it, and asking a woman to split the bill would just be the worst, right?  After all, it's not about getting to know someone--it's about making sure she knows how much cash you have, and if the answer is not much, what's the point?

Many young men these days have no experience in formal dating and feel the need to be faintly ironic about the process — “to ‘date’ in quotation marks” — because they are “worried that they might offend women by dating in an old-fashioned way,” Ms. Rosin said.

 If you're worried about offending someone, just do the same thing you were going to do, but do it ironically!  This is why hipsters are so universally loved.

University of California unveils new logo, everyone points and laughs

The University of California has had the same logo for 102 years now, so somebody decided it was time for a change.  There's nothing in particular wrong with the old logo--it's just kinda old, and higher-ups felt like it wasn't well suited for online use.

There appears to be a rudimentary Kindle there in the middle.  How quaint.

So they went off and consulted some graphic designers, who came up with this:

No, that's not a loading screen--that's actually the logo.

Understandably, some people were confused why UC suddenly felt like they'd be best represented by a Vista loading icon on a kickboard.  Words like "derision", "blunder", "mockery", and "backlash" were thrown around by critics (really, those are all words that now appear on the first page of Google results for "UC logo").

The Internet hasn't been this riled up since, well, probably some other time this morning when a thing happened.

 The new logo was also an easy target for Photoshop artisans, who quickly pointed out the unfortunate resemblance to a loading icon. 

I guess they just figured that anything related to computers would communicate how cool and futuristic they were.  Nothing says "the future" like the thing you look at when you wait for your goddamn computer to work fucking properly.

UC isn't the first organization to pick a technology-themed logo which didn't really send the message they were hoping for--in fact, it's more common than you might think, even among tech companies.

Is that man trapped in the hourglass?  Who thought this would be good as a logo?  Were they drunk?

Other dedicated Photoshoppers made other mockups, which: just because two things are both related to the University of California does not mean they are funny when you put them together.

Ha Ha!  The cop's pepper spraying a bad logo, get it?  Me neither.

Anyway, following the furor over the new logo, UC refused to back down--the logo was implemented on their site and they seemed to think that the criticism would die down, which is reasonable for anyone who's ever seen the Internet get fired up about something for approximately three hours before something else happens and everyone forgets about it.  However, the criticism here seems to be sustainable--public figures up to and including the Lt. Governor of California have stated their opposition.  It's unclear what the university will do--presently, the logo appears to have been largely removed from the site.  In fact, it appears nowhere on the main page at present, and if you go to Berkley's page, you'll see it just once: it appears as part of a news story about the outrage over the new logo.  This has been your internet controversy of the day.

Nothing says "proud of our new logo" like burying it in the bottom left corner of your site.

The Detroit Lions are adept at embarrassing themselves publicly

The Detroit Lions have been mocked for numerous reasons over the past year, for a wide variety of very legitimate reasons, of which shockingly few are related to their on-field performance.  Last year, major issues included a head coach who turned a handshake into a sandbox fight, and then made a face like an angry baby when he was forcibly separated from his opposite number. 

I have never seen a better visual representation of the concept of "poopy face".

This year, the team has been far worse on the field, but they haven't lacked for off-field failures: to wit, there is this 2013 calendar, which is basically the product a person would make if they strenuously disliked the Detroit Lions and wanted to make them feel bad.  Unfortunately, it is an official Lions product, and can be purchased in their store.  Some of the problems were unpredictable; guys get hurt, and by the time 2013 rolls around, the calendar design is outdated.  Others are just bad.  The gaffes start with the cover:

Pictured: Titus Young, wide receiver and all-around mischief-maker.

That's Titus Young, a key young player in the Lions system.  At least, that's what the Lions were hoping would happen.  What actually happened is Titus Young routinely runs the wrong routes in games, has been injured approximately 74 times in the past week, and hasn't done much to endear himself to his team or coaches.  Still, he's young and trying hard, right?  No, that'd be wrong.  See, his most recent act on the field was to repeatedly line up in the wrong place before plays because he disagreed with the coach's decisions, which led to him being taken off the active roster and placed on injured reserve with a phantom injury.  He most likely will not play another snap for the Lions.  Now, they didn't know all this would happen, so maybe it's unfair to laugh (though that won't stop me).  However, the rest of the calendar is less forgivable:

I need to get something with a touchscreen to write on.

For those not inclined to read what I can imagine appears to be the scribblings of a madman, here's what's wrong with that picture:

• Aaron Berry, on the January page, was cut in preseason following multiple arrests.
• Jahvid Best, from February, has not played a game since October 2011.
• Nate Burleson, from March, took over Titus Young's job early in the year, then got hurt, which led to Young getting another chance, allowing Young to commit the aforementioned sin of ignoring his coach's playcalling.

So, that's a mix of predictable and unpredictable circumstances, leading to a depressingly outdated calendar for the few fans Detroit has left entering 2013. There's a couple problems that can't be explained away by injury and team struggles, though:

• The calendar features a "Super Bowl History" section, which: Super Bowl history is not a thing the Lions have, since they've never reached the Super Bowl.
• The calendar features a helpful Lions and NFL schedule--from 2012, which the astute reader will note is not the same as the year the calendar is intended for.  

The best thing I can say about this calendar is that it is an accurate reflection of the state of the Detroit Lions. 

When this man is your leader, there may be rough times ahead.

Today in great gifts: the Radio Controlled Flying F*%k Helicopter: Hilarious Airborne Comedic Device

So, like a totally normal person, I was online shopping for holiday gifts.  Like a less normal person, I was looking at a "Radio Controlled Flying F*%k Helicopter: Hilarious Airborne Comedic Device" (that's all the actual name of the product).

Don't worry, guys--they specified that "Though the photo is blurred, yours will be completely legible."

Reviews of the Radio Controlled Flying F*%k Helicopter: Hilarious Airborne Comedic Device included the following, which: I don't care if it's Amazon Verified, this review is bullshit.

You have a coworker who constantly flies RC Helicopters at work?  The only way that would make sense is if you were employed by a company that manufactures, distributes, and sells RC helicopters...ah, actually, that makes complete sense.

Obviously, this is a must-have purchase--is there anything that people often buy along with it?

Oh, so people who wanted a Flying Fuck also were interested in concealed serrated knives in Translucent Black?  Great.  That's helpful, since I imagine flying this thing at actual people will commonly result in violent confrontations.  The other related items all fell into a couple categories:

• alcohol-related products
• overused jokes from old comedies (think "Sex Panther" cologne) (some of these were also alcohol-related)
• poop joke-related products
• pillows that simulate having a significant other in bed with you while you cry yourself to sleep

I'm fairly certain I've found the Amazon product that best represents me.  In the future, this will be known as my "Amazon Avatar". 

Fun with non-existent Constitutional loopholes, featuring Judson Phillips

Judson Phillips is upset that Obama won the election.  Unlike most disappointed Republicans, though, he's got a bold plan to fix things.  He's discussing this plan over at WND, which some of you may recognize as the "media outlet" responsible for propagating the birther conspiracy and Joseph Farah's mustache.

I believe that if left untrimmed, it would just continue to grow outward horizontally forever.

What's the way forward, Judson?

We have one last, final chance to save America. We have one last, final chance to stop Barack Obama. One final chance.

This should be good.  Let me go make some popcorn.

What is this final chance? Will the Republicans step up to the plate and do what is necessary?

Barack Obama has not yet been re-elected president.

I can't wait to see whether this article will rely more on denial, anger, bargaining, or depression!  Based on that sentence, it definitely won't be acceptance.

Yes, the election is over – but remember, a presidential election in America is not by popular vote. We vote for the candidate, but what we are really doing is voting for the electors who will meet on the Monday after the second Wednesday in December.

That is when the actual re-election of the president occurs.

OK.  I guess technically, that's accurate, although it is already clear that your "plan" is to find an absurd loophole based on a misreading of the Constitution regarding the Electoral College.  At this point, it may help to have a better idea of who Judson Phillips is; he's the founder of Tea Party Nation, which has a wide variety of goals, of which most are summed up in this screenshot of their website (purple highlights are me, pointing out the more inane items):

Alright, the twinkie thing is pretty good.  I see you, Tea Party Nation.

Anyway, let's move on!  So far, I get that Judson wants us to understand that the actual re-election hasn't occurred yet, but even if it hasn't, is there any chance that Obama won't win the Electoral College at this point?

Is there a way to stop this?

I don't know, Judson!  You tell me.

Yes, there is.

(Tea) Party time!

And the best part – this is totally constitutional.

The 12th Amendment of the Constitution as well as Article II of the Constitution govern the Electoral College.

According to the 12th Amendment, for the Electoral College to be able to select the president, it must have a quorum of two-thirds of the states voting. If enough states refuse to participate, the Electoral College will not have a quorum. If the Electoral College does not have a quorum or otherwise cannot vote or decide, then the responsibility for selecting the president and vice president devolves to the Congress.

The House of Representatives selects the president and the Senate selects the vice president.

Since the Republicans hold a majority in the House, presumably they would vote for Mitt Romney, and the Democrats in the Senate would vote for Joe Biden for vice president.

So, first of all, this is all entirely untrue.  The 2/3 quorum refers to what is required in the House of Representatives to vote on things like who will be president IF the electoral college can't decide on a president for whatever reason.  Having 1/3 of the electors refuse to show up will do nothing.  Second of all, do you not feel at least a little weird about basically advocating a course that would circumvent our entire electoral process?  Not only will it not work because you got the law wrong, but also this sounds like the kind of thing that happens in countries run by people whose names rhyme with Gladimir Bootin.

Democratic process?  Nah, that doesn't sound fun at all.

Can this work?

All together now!

No, Judson, no.  It can't.

Sure it can.

Sigh.  I'm not going out and finding more gifs just for you, Judson.

Democrats have actually set this precedent of refusing to participate to deny Republicans a quorum. They did this in Wisconsin and in Texas. Why can’t we do this with the Electoral College?

Like I said, it's because that's not how the rules work in the Electoral College.

[Several paragraphs redacted for being further explanation of Judson's incorrect understanding of the Electoral College]

It does not matter who gets credit for this. The credit is not important. Using our last chance to defeat Barack Obama is important.

You guys, I'm pretty sure Judson wants some credit for his terrible wrong idea.

Far too often the Republican Party seems more interested in losing gracefully than winning and governing.

Fox's election night coverage would like a word.

This is our last chance. We the people must contact the electors, party officials and secretaries of state from every red state and insist that they refuse to participate in the Electoral College.

We can still save America and use the Constitution to do it. But this truly is our last chance.

We can still save America!  By refusing to participate in our Constitutionally created democratic institutions!


UPDATE: Before I finished writing this, it appears that someone alerted Judson to the fact that the entire basis of his article is incorrect, since this disclaimer appeared at the top:

Editor’s note: Since this column was posted it has been discovered that the premise presented about the Electoral College and the Constitution is in error. According to the 12th Amendment, a two-thirds quorum is required in the House of Representatives, not the Electoral College.

In true WND style, while they do acknowledge an error, they won't change the initial article to reflect the true facts, and put up a vague disclaimer that isn't clear as to how much of the article depended on that one fact.  Journalism!