I mean, once you've hit a cop with a thrown wine bottle, might as well keep going

Today in Dutch soccer news, we learn about wildpoepers

From De Telegraaf:

Emmen - 
FC Emmen en aanvaller Jeffrey de Visscher maakten donderdag bekend in goed overleg uit elkaar te gaan. Maar er is meer aan de hand. De Visscher blijkt de dronken wildpoeper te zijn die twee weken geleden in Emmen zijn rijbewijs moest inleveren en op de bon werd geslingerd.

To the translators!

Emmen -
FC Emmen and striker Jeffrey de Visscher were announced Thursday in consultation part ways. But there is more to it. De Visscher shows the drunken wildpoeper to two weeks ago in Emmen his license had to hand and on the receipt was thrown.

There's a lot of noise there, and I don't really understand the syntax, but I did notice two items regarding the word "wildpoeper": one, it wasn't translatable, and two, that word is fantastic and I will be using it if I can ever figure out what it means.  Luckily, someone over at "Who Ate All The Pies" (motto: The Tasty Football Magazine) has already looked into this.  

Dutch second division side FC Emmen have terminated the contract of a player after he was arrested for being a ‘wildpoeper’ in the Hollandish vernacular – which is, we’re afraid to say, exactly what it sounds like.

Oh man oh man oh man I was so hoping it would be what it sounds like do go on tell me go go go

Police apparently found Emmen striker Jeffrey de Visscher (who was briefly on Aberdeen’s books a few years ago) alone, heavily inebriated and squatting at the side of his car at the side of a road through a forest in the middle of the night.

Unfortunately, this is only the second most embarrassing arrest of a professional athlete this week, thanks to Riley Sheahan, who was pulled over in Grand Rapids with a BAC of nearly .30, which legally qualifies him as "super-drunk" in Michigan (seriously, they have a law called the "Super Drunk Law").  Also, he is 20 years old, and was carrying the license of a 23-year-old teammate.  Also, he was wearing a Teletubby costume at the time (specifically, Tinky Winky):

Does anyone else wish he had kept the head part of the costume on?

Entertaining as Mr. Sheahan's arrest is, let's try and remember why we're here: to discuss "wildpoepers".  Back to our friends at Who Ate All The Pies:

At the time De Visscher, 31, claimed a friend was driving his car and had walked off after pulling over to give him some privacy while he ‘wildpooped’ – though De Visscher was unsure who the man was or where he had gone.

"Yes, officer.  My friend was driving, but I told him I needed to go shit in the woods, so he pulled over and then deserted the vehicle.  Also, he isn't my friend and I don't know who he is."

De Visscher, demonstrating his wildpoeper face.

Mark Sanchez finally speaks out about butt fumble, gives most depressing interview ever

Mark Sanchez has finally agreed to speak about his hilarious fumble of last week; if you somehow missed it the first 147 times it was on SportsCenter, here it is again:

I say this a lot, but this gif will never get old. 

 Anyway, let's see what Handsome Mark has to say about his blunder:

It's embarrassing, you screw up the play and I'm trying to do the right thing. It's not like I'm trying to force something. I start to slide and I slide in the worst spot I possibly could -- right into (right guard) Brandon Moore.

It definitely is embarrassing.  I do agree with Mark that it's necessary to reassure everyone that he was trying to do the right thing, because from the outside it looks like he was trying to run into a lineman's ass.

I guess (I was) more stunned than anything. It was just like a car accident. I was like, 'Whoa, what just happened? The ball is gone.' It was weird, man. That sucked.

It was just like a car crash, if car crashes were hilarious and happened to the quarterbacks of terrible sports teams.  I like how Sanchize appends "that sucked" to his response, because it's what the QB of a middle school flag football team might say about a bad play.

It'll probably be on a blooper reel for a while.

Yeah, that one's gonna stick around.

It easily made SportsCenter's not top 10:

And a helpful Youtuber has even set it to Benny Hill:

So, yeah, not only will this one not go away--it might even end up being the defining moment of his career.  Of course, I couldn't be happier about that.  Sanchez's interviewer throws in this line, regarding Marky Mark:

This has been the most challenging season of his career, and it hit the lowpoint with last week's embarrassing loss, which dropped the Jets to 4-7.

Whoa there, let's not assume this is the low point!  If I've learned anything about Mark, it's that he can always get worse.  This, however, is great writing:

Turns out Sanchez was indirectly responsible for the retirement of longtime Jets super-fan Ed Anzalone, who announced he no longer will attend games as Fireman Ed because he was constantly harassed by other fans for wearing a Sanchez jersey to games this season.

Mark Sanchez is so bad that he's forcing fans who want to wear his jersey to stay at home, for fear of being harassed by other fans.  (Side note: giving publicity to super-fans is really the worst, and I wish everyone would stop.  Fireman Ed is a jackass.)

Not sure what I like more: the guy on the right wearing the wrong sport's hat, or the rest of the crowd that clearly does not give a shit about the game at all.

Sanchez, does it disappoint you that your most die-hard fans will stop attending games?

"Obviously, if his safety is in jeopardy, maybe it's a good move," said Sanchez, adding that he appreciated Fireman Ed's support.

God, that's sad.  "Jets fans, go home, it's not safe at our games."

"I don't know how to explain it," Sanchez said. "It was a wild one. & Hopefully, we'll laugh about it later."

Sanchez then retreated to his bedroom and slammed the door before bursting into tears.

Today in great headlines, featuring Mark Sanchez

His mom must be so proud.

UPDATE: For clarification, this is the play being discussed:

I've watched this probably 75 times at this point, and it's not getting old