Don't get too excited though--according to AAA (again), traffic is going to be up, judging by this USA Today report.
Journalism!
Showing posts with label PSAs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PSAs. Show all posts
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Traveling this Memorial Day weekend? Well, I have g̶o̶o̶d̶ ̶n̶e̶w̶s̶ b̶a̶d̶ ̶n̶e̶w̶s̶ news!
According to AAA, traffic will be down per this CNN report!
Don't get too excited though--according to AAA (again), traffic is going to be up, judging by this USA Today report.
Journalism!
Don't get too excited though--according to AAA (again), traffic is going to be up, judging by this USA Today report.
Journalism!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
One, two, three, Science!
Continuing to boldly explore the far reaches of human understanding, scientists today have discovered that...tasting beer makes you want more beer. Maybe. Ta fucking da, y'all!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Instead of dog, pet was ferret. Would not purchase again.
Having pets is pretty great. I'm not too into buying expensive breeds of dogs or cats or miniature pigs or what have you, but to each their own. However, if you do plan to buy a purebred dog of some sort, I'd advise you to make sure that it is actually a dog of any sort and not, for example, a ferret.
Yes, people do in fact buy ferrets, thinking that they are dogs. Just as a brief refresher course, here's what a dog looks like:
Here is what a ferret, which is clearly not a dog, looks like:
Again, dog:
Ferret:
This has been your Monday PSA.
Yes, people do in fact buy ferrets, thinking that they are dogs. Just as a brief refresher course, here's what a dog looks like:
Here is what a ferret, which is clearly not a dog, looks like:
Again, dog:
Ferret:
This has been your Monday PSA.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Science tackles the pressing issues of our time, this time regarding whether you should fart on planes
Their conclusion: it's better for pilots to fart than not fart. For safety! Seriously, this is a thing people are studying, right now. They probably earn more than you do!
A team of Danish and British gastroenterologists produced a paper on flatulence on planes after one of them, Jacob Rosenberg, was inspired on a flight between Copenhagen and Tokyo.
The problem is that farting is an invariable consequence of digestion and people do it about 10 times a day.
Was there a need for that Wikipedia link? Pretty sure people have figured out what that word means.
Hans Christian Pommergaard, Jakob Burcharth, Anders Fischer, William Thomas and Professor Rosenberg have told the New Zealand Medical Journal the holding back option may seem "alluring'' but there are drawbacks.
"Alluring" is not the word I'd have picked. Maybe "painful" or "excruciating"?
Stress, discomfort, pain, bloating, dyspepsia and other symptoms could ensue, while not discounting the chance that all the effort may be sabotaged by turbulence in any case.
CAPTAIN: Please be advised that we are encountering some turbulence.
EVERYONE ON PLANE: <releases pent-up farts>
"There is actually only one reasonable solution ... just let it go,'' the medicos say.
They warn of consequences in the cockpit.
"If the pilot restrains a fart, all the drawbacks previously mentioned, including diminished concentration, may affect his abilities to control the airplane,'' the researchers say.
"If he lets go of the fart his co-pilot may be affected by its odour, which again reduces safety on board the flight.''
Yes, smelling a fart is in fact a serious safety concern on planes now. Can't wait til the TSA gets involved.
The specialists did not recommend setting farts alight, either on land or in a plane, despite its proven ability to reduce odour.
Were people previously trying to do this on planes? Everyone knows the best method is to shift blame to others by peering around in an obvious manner after you fart, to make it seem like you're trying to find the real culprit. Also acceptable: asking if someone just stepped on a duck.
They reluctantly dismissed the notion of rubber pants with an attached air container for collecting gas as "somewhat extreme''.
I'd hate to see the options that were deemed "way too extreme", given that the "somewhat extreme" option already sounds like some sort of bizarre BDSM equipment.
But they reckon putting active charcoal in passenger seats is a winner of an idea that could be backed up with special undies.
Pre-flight passenger methane breath tests and reducing fibre in airline food options were also considered.
A team of Danish and British gastroenterologists produced a paper on flatulence on planes after one of them, Jacob Rosenberg, was inspired on a flight between Copenhagen and Tokyo.
The problem is that farting is an invariable consequence of digestion and people do it about 10 times a day.
Was there a need for that Wikipedia link? Pretty sure people have figured out what that word means.
Hans Christian Pommergaard, Jakob Burcharth, Anders Fischer, William Thomas and Professor Rosenberg have told the New Zealand Medical Journal the holding back option may seem "alluring'' but there are drawbacks.
"Alluring" is not the word I'd have picked. Maybe "painful" or "excruciating"?
Stress, discomfort, pain, bloating, dyspepsia and other symptoms could ensue, while not discounting the chance that all the effort may be sabotaged by turbulence in any case.
CAPTAIN: Please be advised that we are encountering some turbulence.
EVERYONE ON PLANE: <releases pent-up farts>
"There is actually only one reasonable solution ... just let it go,'' the medicos say.
They warn of consequences in the cockpit.
"If the pilot restrains a fart, all the drawbacks previously mentioned, including diminished concentration, may affect his abilities to control the airplane,'' the researchers say.
"If he lets go of the fart his co-pilot may be affected by its odour, which again reduces safety on board the flight.''
Yes, smelling a fart is in fact a serious safety concern on planes now. Can't wait til the TSA gets involved.
The specialists did not recommend setting farts alight, either on land or in a plane, despite its proven ability to reduce odour.
Were people previously trying to do this on planes? Everyone knows the best method is to shift blame to others by peering around in an obvious manner after you fart, to make it seem like you're trying to find the real culprit. Also acceptable: asking if someone just stepped on a duck.
They reluctantly dismissed the notion of rubber pants with an attached air container for collecting gas as "somewhat extreme''.
I'd hate to see the options that were deemed "way too extreme", given that the "somewhat extreme" option already sounds like some sort of bizarre BDSM equipment.
But they reckon putting active charcoal in passenger seats is a winner of an idea that could be backed up with special undies.
Pre-flight passenger methane breath tests and reducing fibre in airline food options were also considered.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wealthy financiers sometimes have to do household chores, not always able to afford new shoes
As someone who sometimes is a bit short on cash, I'm always looking for ways to save a buck. Thankfully, some British bankers have compiled their tips! I'm sure this will be helpful and not at all hilariously out of touch.
If you want ways of saving money, an investment banker may not seem the best source of advice. Believe it or not, however, bankers are changing their spending habits as their bonuses shrink and become allocated over several years. Both bankers and their once free-spending wives
Bankers are fiscally responsible, of course--it's those durn free-spending wives you gotta watch out for!
are suddenly becoming familiar with the art of thriftiness. For your benefit, we’ve spoken to a selection of current and ex-bankers and to their spouses about how they’re cutting their personal spending.
This is what they have imparted. We hope it is of use.
1. Go on a clothes diet
Sadly, this doesn't mean eat your clothes. 2-4 are all basically the same and could be summarized as "sometimes spending a gazillion dollars on your children will not be affordable".
2. Involve the entire family
3. Put your children into the state school system
4. Make your children pay their own university fees
“People forget that in the UK the government offers student loans that cover fees,” said one ex-banker who is making his son pay his own way through higher education.
Indeed! People just forget about that option, and by "people" I mean "all of the people except for the ones who make merely a reasonable income and always have to borrow money for large purchases because damn, I don't just have fifty thousand bucks lying around here."
In any case, I'll acknowledge that these first four were a little out there and not pertinent to most people, but hardly offensive to less-well-off individuals. Rest assured, that will change shortly.
5. Change your travel habits
Oh, you mean maybe drive to family vacation instead of flying, or travel a little less to save money?
Eli Lederman, a former managing director at Morgan Stanley who has reinvented himself as an author,
said he’s ditched business class flights.
“I still go to New York five or six times per year, but now I forego business class to travel in premium economy,” he said. “With the new flexibility to plan ahead – which was impossible when I worked for a bank – you can get good fares. And if you’re smart about it, the airlines still give you all the perks.”
So you had to give up business class for premium economy? I'd be sympathetic if I had a fucking clue what the difference was. You said yourself that you still get all the perks.
6. Start ironing
This may sound like a small thing, but while they’re working most bankers do not iron their own shirts. When they stop working or lose money, they start ironing.
“Now I iron all my shirts,” one ex-banker told us. “I’ve always loved doing this in a Zen kind of way, but I never had the time to do it.”
In all honesty, this is the one guy in the article I felt any sympathy for, because this is the kind of thing that only someone desperately trying to come to grips with losing their job would say. "Oh, no, getting fired was great! Now I have plenty of time to spend in the outdoors, since that's where I sell all of my worldly possessions at garage sales to feed my family."
Another banker, who used to work at Goldman Sachs and now runs his own business, said he gets his wife to iron his shirts nowadays. “At Goldman there was a service in the basement where I dropped my shirts off for a fee, but now I ask Jane to do it for me,” he said.
How self-sacrificing of you, taking on the monumental task of making your wife do your personal chores for you! Let's see if we can find a worse way to say that, though.
“The wife is doing the ironing,” another banker told us. “She’s not loving it, but she doesn’t want to get a job herself so is having to accept it.”
Nailed it!
7. Don’t carry so much cash
“Stop carrying a wedge of cash around with you,” said the ex-Goldman banker. “It reduces the temptation to tip people so much.”
The problem with carrying around cash is really that you're tempted to be too generous to the minimum-wage-earning folks serving your food? Glad we fixed that particular money sink.
8. Start tutoring your children yourself
Well, that's just crazy. What's the point of being a banker if it doesn't get me out of actually raising my own children? I know it seems like I'm joking, but wait until you hear what bankers have to say about going on vacation with their kids.
9. Stop skiing, or ski more cheaply
Thanks for offering a backup option in case "not skiing" was too extreme for me.
In the ideal world, financial services professionals in the City of London would take a Powder Byrne skiing holiday every year. Unfortunately, this can be a little expensive. “I took the family skiing with Power Byrne last year and spent £13k,” one hedge fund manager told us. “It was great – they take the kids away from you in the morning and only return them in the late afternoon, but you pay for that kind of attention.”
You took the family skiing so that someone else could spend quality time with your kids. Thus far, the main benefit of being rich appears to be that you don't have to do any of the actual family stuff yourself. Chores? Nope, sorry. Take care of the kids? Why am I paying for a ski vacation if I have to do that?
10. Stay with friends
You mean when you're broke and unemployed, and just need a place with a roof to sleep?
When you go on holiday in the summer (or over Easter)
Oh.
don’t pay for your accommodation – stay with friends. “I went to the Maldives six times in a row,” said the hedge fund manager. “But last year we didn’t go to the Maldives for the first time in six years – we went to stay with friends in New York.
Yes, save money by staying with friends when you vacation internationally. That'll really help!
11. Sell the second home
Do you really think people with a second home just forget they can sell it if they run out of money? "Sorry, kids, no dinner tonight. We're broke! Don't forget to pack for our trip to the summer home in the countryside tomorrow!" The best part about this tip is that apparently, no one's actually using it yet:
“The second home in the country is where you rack up the most serious costs,” said the hedge fund manager. “A lot of people I know are talking about ditching the country house. No one’s done it yet though.”
Revised title for this tip: "Think about selling the second home. Don't do it, though."
The remaining nine tips are pretty repetitive, so we'll call it there. Apparently bankers think that tips like "sell your old clothes instead of trashing them" are useful thrifty pointers, so, thanks for that, guys! I'll stop setting fire to my belongings when I'm done with them. They also advise those seeking to cut costs to...buy expensive cars!
20. Get a Prius
If you want ways of saving money, an investment banker may not seem the best source of advice. Believe it or not, however, bankers are changing their spending habits as their bonuses shrink and become allocated over several years. Both bankers and their once free-spending wives
Bankers are fiscally responsible, of course--it's those durn free-spending wives you gotta watch out for!
are suddenly becoming familiar with the art of thriftiness. For your benefit, we’ve spoken to a selection of current and ex-bankers and to their spouses about how they’re cutting their personal spending.
This is what they have imparted. We hope it is of use.
1. Go on a clothes diet
Sadly, this doesn't mean eat your clothes. 2-4 are all basically the same and could be summarized as "sometimes spending a gazillion dollars on your children will not be affordable".
2. Involve the entire family
3. Put your children into the state school system
4. Make your children pay their own university fees
“People forget that in the UK the government offers student loans that cover fees,” said one ex-banker who is making his son pay his own way through higher education.
Indeed! People just forget about that option, and by "people" I mean "all of the people except for the ones who make merely a reasonable income and always have to borrow money for large purchases because damn, I don't just have fifty thousand bucks lying around here."
In any case, I'll acknowledge that these first four were a little out there and not pertinent to most people, but hardly offensive to less-well-off individuals. Rest assured, that will change shortly.
5. Change your travel habits
Oh, you mean maybe drive to family vacation instead of flying, or travel a little less to save money?
Eli Lederman, a former managing director at Morgan Stanley who has reinvented himself as an author,
said he’s ditched business class flights.
“I still go to New York five or six times per year, but now I forego business class to travel in premium economy,” he said. “With the new flexibility to plan ahead – which was impossible when I worked for a bank – you can get good fares. And if you’re smart about it, the airlines still give you all the perks.”
So you had to give up business class for premium economy? I'd be sympathetic if I had a fucking clue what the difference was. You said yourself that you still get all the perks.
6. Start ironing
This may sound like a small thing, but while they’re working most bankers do not iron their own shirts. When they stop working or lose money, they start ironing.
“Now I iron all my shirts,” one ex-banker told us. “I’ve always loved doing this in a Zen kind of way, but I never had the time to do it.”
In all honesty, this is the one guy in the article I felt any sympathy for, because this is the kind of thing that only someone desperately trying to come to grips with losing their job would say. "Oh, no, getting fired was great! Now I have plenty of time to spend in the outdoors, since that's where I sell all of my worldly possessions at garage sales to feed my family."
Another banker, who used to work at Goldman Sachs and now runs his own business, said he gets his wife to iron his shirts nowadays. “At Goldman there was a service in the basement where I dropped my shirts off for a fee, but now I ask Jane to do it for me,” he said.
How self-sacrificing of you, taking on the monumental task of making your wife do your personal chores for you! Let's see if we can find a worse way to say that, though.
“The wife is doing the ironing,” another banker told us. “She’s not loving it, but she doesn’t want to get a job herself so is having to accept it.”
Nailed it!
7. Don’t carry so much cash
“Stop carrying a wedge of cash around with you,” said the ex-Goldman banker. “It reduces the temptation to tip people so much.”
The problem with carrying around cash is really that you're tempted to be too generous to the minimum-wage-earning folks serving your food? Glad we fixed that particular money sink.
8. Start tutoring your children yourself
Well, that's just crazy. What's the point of being a banker if it doesn't get me out of actually raising my own children? I know it seems like I'm joking, but wait until you hear what bankers have to say about going on vacation with their kids.
9. Stop skiing, or ski more cheaply
Thanks for offering a backup option in case "not skiing" was too extreme for me.
In the ideal world, financial services professionals in the City of London would take a Powder Byrne skiing holiday every year. Unfortunately, this can be a little expensive. “I took the family skiing with Power Byrne last year and spent £13k,” one hedge fund manager told us. “It was great – they take the kids away from you in the morning and only return them in the late afternoon, but you pay for that kind of attention.”
You took the family skiing so that someone else could spend quality time with your kids. Thus far, the main benefit of being rich appears to be that you don't have to do any of the actual family stuff yourself. Chores? Nope, sorry. Take care of the kids? Why am I paying for a ski vacation if I have to do that?
10. Stay with friends
You mean when you're broke and unemployed, and just need a place with a roof to sleep?
When you go on holiday in the summer (or over Easter)
Oh.
don’t pay for your accommodation – stay with friends. “I went to the Maldives six times in a row,” said the hedge fund manager. “But last year we didn’t go to the Maldives for the first time in six years – we went to stay with friends in New York.
Yes, save money by staying with friends when you vacation internationally. That'll really help!
11. Sell the second home
Do you really think people with a second home just forget they can sell it if they run out of money? "Sorry, kids, no dinner tonight. We're broke! Don't forget to pack for our trip to the summer home in the countryside tomorrow!" The best part about this tip is that apparently, no one's actually using it yet:
“The second home in the country is where you rack up the most serious costs,” said the hedge fund manager. “A lot of people I know are talking about ditching the country house. No one’s done it yet though.”
Revised title for this tip: "Think about selling the second home. Don't do it, though."
The remaining nine tips are pretty repetitive, so we'll call it there. Apparently bankers think that tips like "sell your old clothes instead of trashing them" are useful thrifty pointers, so, thanks for that, guys! I'll stop setting fire to my belongings when I'm done with them. They also advise those seeking to cut costs to...buy expensive cars!
20. Get a Prius
Friday, March 22, 2013
Today in misleading headlines: snakes now committing arson
See:
Anyway, as you might have already guessed, the snake did not just decide "oh hey let me set this house on fire because fuck you I'm a snake". In fact, the article begins with a statement from the authorities which calls the snake's guilt into question:
BOWIE COUNTY, TX (KSLA) -
Authorities believe a homeowner's response to finding a snake in her yard may have led to the fire that destroyed her house Wednesday.
Ah, so she saw a snake in her yard, which presumably had on its person (on its snake?) gas cans, matches, and other arson equipment, yes?
"While cleaning up, she saw snake,
1: See snake. Snake is just a snake and is at present not particularly dangerous.
threw gasoline on the snake,
2: Oh god damn it what are you doing no no no
lit the snake on fire," said Deputy Randall Baggett with the Bowie County Sheriff's Office.
3: Of fucking course this is going to go badly for you. "Oh no, a snake! Let me set it on fire, so that it becomes a fire-snake, or basically a goddamn dragon. That'll be way less dangerous."
4: Profit?
"The snake went into the brush pile and the brush pile caught the home on fire."
Despite the efforts of several fire departments that responded to the scene, the flames completely engulfed the home. It is a complete loss. A neighboring home was also damaged on one side.
Please, do not set snakes on fire.
Anyway, as you might have already guessed, the snake did not just decide "oh hey let me set this house on fire because fuck you I'm a snake". In fact, the article begins with a statement from the authorities which calls the snake's guilt into question:
BOWIE COUNTY, TX (KSLA) -
Authorities believe a homeowner's response to finding a snake in her yard may have led to the fire that destroyed her house Wednesday.
Ah, so she saw a snake in her yard, which presumably had on its person (on its snake?) gas cans, matches, and other arson equipment, yes?
"While cleaning up, she saw snake,
1: See snake. Snake is just a snake and is at present not particularly dangerous.
threw gasoline on the snake,
2: Oh god damn it what are you doing no no no
lit the snake on fire," said Deputy Randall Baggett with the Bowie County Sheriff's Office.
3: Of fucking course this is going to go badly for you. "Oh no, a snake! Let me set it on fire, so that it becomes a fire-snake, or basically a goddamn dragon. That'll be way less dangerous."
4: Profit?
"The snake went into the brush pile and the brush pile caught the home on fire."
Despite the efforts of several fire departments that responded to the scene, the flames completely engulfed the home. It is a complete loss. A neighboring home was also damaged on one side.
Please, do not set snakes on fire.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
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